slidingmoments | "This time I think I'm to blame. It's harder to get through the days. You get older and blame turns

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"This time I think I'm to blame. It's harder to get through the days. You get older and blame turns

Who: Rachel Berry and Kurt Hummel
What: Unexpected facing of music
Where: Kurt, Quinn and Mercedes apartment
When: A few days after THIS and resulting from THIS

Rachel couldn't deny that she was nervous. In fact, she was so nervous, she felt like she was just going to throw up all the time in anticipation of this conversation. Blaine was back in Miami, and although he was staying with Kurt for the couple of days they were here, she needed to seize this window of opportunity she had to try and make amends with one of her closest friends before she lost him. In fact, it was why she didn't text him in advance to warn him she was coming, in case he didn't want to talk to her. She had been a mess lately, she didn't think she could add that one more rejection on the top of everything. She just had to take Robin Williams sound advice, and seize the day. Carpe diem! She had even watched Dead Poets Society three times last night after seeing Blaine's Facebook post to try and pluck up more courage for this.

This apartment block didn't have buzzers. Each place had their own knocker or bell, so that did help. She rang the doorbell and stood back, fiddling anxiously with the leather strap of her handbag over her shoulder. She didn't know what she was going to do if Blaine told her to piss off. It really could be the end of everything.

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Quinn and Mercedes were out at the mall shopping for groceries after hearing they would have Kurt and Blaine with them for the weekend. Kurt was on a strict diet regime he had to follow to literally the minute, so they had to get a few extra things to fit in with that and Kurt wasn't up to shopping himself. Neither was Blaine after the long drive the evening before. Which is why, now the morning after the arrived back from Jacksonville, Blaine was still out like a light. Neither of them had slept so well the night before. They had to adjust sharing a bed and Kurt had been restless after the trip, being plagued with stomach pains that still came now and again as he re-adjusted to eating solid food. It upset his stomach, had him stuck on the toilet for hours on end, but he was still fighting it with Blaine's help.

But that was why he was awake now and Blaine wasn't. Blaine was curled up in a nest of covers in Kurt's bed fast asleep, while Kurt had been lying on the sofa trying to get a little more sleep himself, but keeping a safe distance to the bathroom. He had an en suite in his room, but he didn't want to wake Blaine getting up and down to that. Blaine had been amazing over these past few weeks, and he deserved a sound and long rest after it. So, when the doorbell rang, Kurt was up to answer it, pushing the little throw rug away he had wrapped around himself while he napped. He felt the cold with his lowered body weight and even warm days in Miami, he could be shivering.

Instead, he wrapped it around his shoulders and padded barefoot up the hall, moving past his room quietly so Blaine didn't wake up. He assumed it would be Puck dropping in to visit Blaine, but when he answered the door and found... "Rachel," he said through a small, surprised intake of breath. Their last encounter had been pretty awful, and led to Kurt spiralling out of control with his condition again. Binge eating, purging and then smashing his face on the treadmill when he passed out from over-exercising to try and burn off the extra binge calories.

This Rachel wasn't expecting at all, though as she was faced with the situation, she had no idea why she hadn't pre-empted the possibility. She had just been so lonely lately that she wasn't really in the most rational frame of mind. But it didn't matter, because having Kurt right here in front of her like this, she was immediately taken aback by just how sick he looked. He hadn't looked anything like this when they ran into each other in the mall that day, but then he had been done up to the nines in fashionable layer, perfectly styles hair, the works. Here, he was just in a pair of striped cotton pyjamas pants and a loose t-shirt with a cardigan over the top... and even then, he was wrapped up in a light blanket. He was very pale, though, sunken eyes with dark circles underneath, his hair hanging loose without product and he was so goddamn skinny. It all hit Rachel like a ton of bricks, and it was like it was a very real thing all of a sudden, not just something she might need to face at some undetermined point in the future.

"I just wondered if it would be okay to talk to Blaine for a few minutes?" Rachel finally asked hesitantly, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. That was when she noticed that above the v-neck of Kurt's t-shirt, he had a medical dressing that looked to be securing some sort of tube inserted near his collarbone and reality really set in. She stared - accidentally - and wanted to know what it was, but snapped back her composure quickly and chewed the corner of her lip.

"It's a central line," Kurt told her when he caught her looking at it. Normally he would probably have tried to cover it, but he was in his own home and everyone around him were aware of the treatments he was going through. Rachel wasn't, but she was Blaine's best friend, so he didn't particularly have the energy to conceal right now. He was exhausted and just glad to be back in his own bed for a little while, having a mental break away from the medical surrounds of the clinic. "For parenteral nutrition each day. To supplement what I can't eat properly yet." He had downgraded from PEG feeding constantly via a tube in his stomach to this. He was eating small amounts, but his body still wasn't absorbing enough nutrition to sustain him yet, so he was giving IV supplements each day via the central line. Only being away from the clinic for a couple of nights, they kept it in to resume the treatment when he got back and if he copes at home, he would be discharged and just needing to visit a local hospital for the infusions and therapy sessions.

He hugged the blanket a little tighter around his arm and wet his lips. "Blaine's still asleep. I'd really rather not wake him, neither of us slept very well last night after the long drive. I can leave him a message for him if you like. He'll get it as soon as he wakes up," he offered quietly. He didn't know why he was feeling so vulnerable around her. Probably because he didn't actually feel any ill-will towards her. All the shit back in high school was old water under the bridge and he had too much he was battling internally now to dwell on stuff that that happened when they were kids. He just had no idea what her intentions towards him were. Was she going to try and break him and Blaine up? He had no idea. Nothing between them had ever been civil and her slurs to him at the mall had really made him feel bad about himself.

"Oh," Rachel replied with a nod like she understood, but she didn't. She was just actually taken aback that he was so free with the explanation and not growling at her to piss off. She glanced at the patch again, deciding it actually made him look sicker than he already did because it emphasised the enormity of what he was dealing with. What he was actually saying was that he was sick enough to the point his body couldn't handle food anymore, and he had done that himself. It blew Rachel's mind that he much hate himself that much to have gotten that bad. Way more than she ever hated herself. "D-Does it hurt? How, um... how are you feeling?"

She just nodded again, quicker this time so he didn't think she was going to try and be a pushy bitch and negate his request. "No, no, that's fine. I understand. He should sleep, I don't want to disturb him. It was probably a long shot coming unannounced anyway. I'll just... go and leave you guys to it. I didn't mean to bother you," she said in a hurry and went to turn to leave, but caught herself. She stopped, and drew in a small breath to brush off her nerves and then hesitantly turned back to him. She swallowed to wet her throat that was trying to dry up from the anxiety and gestured a little with her fingers. "A-Actually, can I still come in for a minute? Blaine's not the only one I owe an apology to. I never thought you would ever want to hear it from me or believe I was genuine, but I... I'd like to try."

Kurt gave a slight shake of his. "No, not really. It's a little uncomfortable because I can't lie on it or get it wet, but it hurts a hell of a lot going in, which is why they only replace it now and again." When her query of his health came, he fell quiet, blue eyes searching over her face because he really was checking to see if she was genuine. There was a single thing to indicate she wasn't, and he had to realise that she was one of Blaine's closest friends for a reason. Maybe she really had changed. "Honestly, I'm feeling a little sick and exhausted right now, but that's pretty much my norm at the moment so it's no big deal."

He had just been about to close the door after she went to leave, but stopped as soon as she back-tracked. This was starting to feel like the Twilight Zone. He was so used to her being a prized jerk, fighting him for everything, trying to tear him down to get to the top herself, that this wasn't a Rachel Berry he recognised or understood. But then he, himself, had changed a hell of a lot since high school so he couldn't hold anyone to what they were back then. She definitely sounded genuine and even a little hopeful, so after a moment he just nodded and stepped aside for her to come. "Sure. Come in."

Rachel followed Kurt hesitantly inside, and was met with a cosy, welcoming feeling that probably had a lot to do with the tasteful way the apartment was decorated. It even smelt nice, maybe some sort of diffuser or aromatherapy candles placed strategically somewhere for maximum benefit. She trailed along behind him up a sort hallway to a large living room, which was just as beautiful. It seriously put her own place to shame and next to this, it would probably look as flat and lonely as she was feeling lately. "It does help you though, right? The... nutrition stuff they give you with it, it's helping? I... only know some things about how you have been. Blaine's mostly kept it very private, which is understandable. I'm sorry you're not feeling well, I'll try to be quick with this. If you want to just get rid of me, you can say it. I won't be offended." She would be hurt and lost, but not offended.

It was only once he sat on the sofa that he must have been lying on before she interrupted knocking at his door if the mound of pillows were anything to go by. "You weren't lying down with Blaine?" she asked in surprise before she could stop herself. "You guys haven't got that far with things yet? I'm sorry, that's pushy. You don't have to answer that." She sat down stiffly on the edge of the arm chair across from him and crossed her legs over at the ankles. "Kurt, I... I don't honestly have enough appropriate words to tell you how sorry I am for what I said, and for how it made you feel. I panicked, which his no excuse. You were just bantering with me, and it was like how you always had been. I got worried you would hate me, and I would lose Blaine as a friend. But I know how important you are to him, and I was selfish. I never meant to hurt you or make you feel bad, I was just trying to protect myself and I'm sorry. I was an idiot. You don't have to forgive me, but if maybe we could just be civil for Blaine's sake? If he ever forgives me, that is. Or... or maybe even one day we could come to be friends...?"

Kurt settled back down on the sofa and adjusted the blanket around his shoulders again. "It's helping, it's just a slow process. Ultimately, they need to get me off that, though. Let's just say, it's a work in progress? You don't have to rush. It's not like I have to be anywhere. If you're not getting up in my business insulting me, there's no reason to want to get rid of you, is there?" he pointed out with a hint of a faint smile at her.

"No, no. It's not like that. I'm just letting him sleep. I'm up and down a lot not when I'm not feeling well, and he inevitably gets up with me to try and help. I'm just giving him a breather. We're just taking each day right now, it's hard to say how far we have gotten, we're just playing it by ear. I haven't exactly been in the mind space to really build firm foundations on anything. I'm just very grateful to have him and his presence. He's been amazing company and hasn't judged anything about me. It's not progressing like a normal relationship by any means, but I'm doing the best I can," he explained quietly, and knew he had piled a hell of a lot of baggage into Blaine's lap with this whole thing that Blaine hadn't needed to deal with. But he did, and he had been the light in Kurt's days during his stay at the clinic. He looked forward to Blaine's visits and it helped him stay positive through his battle, even on the really bad days.

As she apologised, Kurt looked back up, watching her intently. It took him by surprise, it really did. He had never been able to read how genuine Rachel was, or just what she was pulling for her own gain. This had nothing to do with gain, though. "It's okay. I'm sorry too. I know we were horrible to each other in the past, and honestly, I couldn't even tell you why now. High school feels like an out-of-body experience for me. Like it was someone else who lived it, but I have all the memories. I think it's about time we called a truce, and... I don't know if I'm the sort of person you would enjoy being friends with, but I don't see any harm in trying."

Rachel was still floored by how accommodating and patient Kurt was being. He was clearly feeling ill, and clearly tired, but he hadn't snapped at her, he hadn't turned her away at the door, hadn't called her names, or spewed old rivalry back in her face. She could see now that her stupid outburst at the mall was premature, that maybe he had just been bantering with her in the wake of their old rivalry and she took it all the wrong way? After all, she had no idea whatsoever what Kurt Hummel was like these days, years after school. All she knew was that one of her best friends had fallen in love with him, so that had to be a huge factor. Blaine saw something in Kurt to put his heart on the line here and Rachel knew it was more than time to let sleeping dogs lie and get the hell over the past. The Kurt sitting here in front of her was what she was dealing with, not the bitch back in school who was a fighter and where it was every man for himself.

She shook her head. "No. And just for the record, I have no intentions of getting up in your face and insulting you. I want to get to know you and make up for all the crap in the past. I realise I'm not the most tolerable person to be around, but it does mean a lot to me that you're sitting here listening to me right now. Blaine means a hell of a lot to me as a friend and the last thing I want to do is lose him for being a horrible person. Also, if there is anything I can do to help, or get you anything, I can. You just need to ask. I don't have a lot in my schedule lately. He... he cares about you. So, so much. He has always been like that, but I can see how special you are to him. I want you guys to work out, because I think you have got something with him that I've never had with anyone... or will ever get. You should hold onto that. I think any chance I had, I screwed it up. I screwed a lot of things up in my life," she admitted quietly, looking down at her hands.

"Having a baby really changed you, didn't it?" Kurt asked. The question was quiet, and he knew it was extremely, extremely out of the blue and would probably throw her for a loop. But there was something telling him that it was a vital key of their past that needed to at least be touched upon, because it was that whole thing that spurred most of his vitriol towards her over the years. How much she had hurt Finn when she cheated on him and got pregnant to Puckerman. "I don't think you ever really found your feet with anything after that. Not that I can particularly judge on life events impacting heavily and changing you. It was pretty much a complete domino effect of shit that led me into the mess I'm still in today."

He had to pause and take a deep breath, glancing away for a moment while he struggled with his emotions. "I know guilt trips and pity parties are an easy ride to get on, Rachel, but I can relieve you of the fact that my condition now isn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. People at school made the fight of it harder for me, but no one caused it. It sounds to me like you have a lot of your own demons that maybe fuelled the way you ultimately responded to situations that shouldn't have been nearly the battle you created them to be. You and me never needed to be enemies. We could have actually been friends, but you were so determined to throw everyone under the bus for your own success and I resented that. I just wanted my own chance to shine, but it was impossible. What were you overcompensating for? Or have you never been able to figure that out?"

Edited 2012-09-18 17:11 (UTC)

"I-I--" Rachel stammered, completely shocked and taken aback by his confronting question. But ultimately, words just failed her and she had to snap her mouth shut again when she could answer it. She had no answer and it wasn't even a question she had ever asked herself for. There was maybe a tiny part of her that was annoyed at him for asking it and just throwing it out there to roadblock her, but when she glanced up at his face again, there was nothing confronting or aggressive there at all. It was just an honest question that he seemed bewildered about. All he wanted to know was why she had created such a battle in his own school life and why he had always had to fight her on anything. Enough time had passed for him to have the balls to ask now, and with them trying to call some sort of truce here, she realised he had every right to ask her.

She toyed with the pendant on her necklace, a nervous gesture she always harboured. She wanted to get up and leave, but that was the coward's way, and she didn't want to be a coward anymore. All this happening with Blaine, Kurt, and Puck, she wanted to try and claim her life back and find some way to just... like herself again. Right now, she just didn't, and she was pretty sure she hadn't in a very long time. Maybe Kurt was right. Maybe it was the pregnancy and adoption that had done that and she never realised just exactly how much it had stolen from her. "T-There's nothing really. It's just that I never really found my feet again after that. I always felt like it was a screw up I could never change. It was this blight that would always be in my past that I was ashamed of. Because I was. I wanted my first time to be special and I... I thought once push came to shove that Puck might... he might just... I-I mean, he wanted me, and at a time I was really not sure about myself, that made me feel good. But it's our past, and it was one time. There was no way I was ever his type. We're just... we're better as friends. I don't have many friends. That's why Puck and Blaine mean the world to me. I feel like wanting anything more than that is asking too much because no one ever really wants to put up with me. I mess everything up. But I wish someone would one day look at me the way Blaine looks at you," she finally admitted, her voice lowering to almost a whisper and she couldn't even make eye contact with him. "Anyone I think might be a hope of that, when I look... they're in another direction. Story of my life really. The only way I could get anyone to notice me was if I just put myself everywhere. I-I guess that's why I was so annoying to be around. And now I have nothing because the two people who meant anything to me don't have room for me in their lives anymore."

Edited 2012-09-19 05:51 (UTC)

"And you blame me for that on some level. Taking Blaine's time away from him. Rachel, I..." Kurt paused and had to sigh, only because he did feel for her but it was more than obvious there was so much between the lines here she wasn't actually saying. It could be because she was deluded to it herself and didn't realise there was more playing deeper below the surface than she realised, or it could be because she wanted to keep things extremely concealed for some reason or another. "I need Blaine right now. It's really hard for me to admit to that, but it's time for me to start being honest. I know he and I haven't been together all that long in the grander scheme of things, but he's been like a saviour to me and right now, he's helping me more than I thought anyone really could. And so, so selflessly. That blows my mind. I don't think I have ever met anyone who is so unbelievably kind, caring and selfless as he is. Which is exactly why I have to tell you that you are so goddamn fucked in the head if you honestly believe that he would just shoved his friends out of his life because he's starting a relationship. You're talking crazy if you honestly believe he has no room left for you. He just didn't want to be around you when you were doing things like insulting me... who, like it or not, is who he wants to be with. And trust me, that still blows my mind most days."

He shook his head a little. "I can't tell you what to do or how to feel, Rachel. I actually hardly know you. This you, anyway. I didn't even much know the you I disliked back in school." There was a hesitant pause before he continued, though he hadn't missed a single thing she said and that was when something vital dawned on him quite starkly. "Are you saying that you don't regret that your first time was with Puck, but that you just wished he had wanted it to be special like you did...?"

He had always just thought Puck had lulled Rachel into a false sense of security with a few drinks and took her virginity when she was having a weak moment. He had no clue in the slightest that maybe the reason Rachel might have done it was because she had feelings for Puck and thought it would be the start of something. Which potentially meant she never had deeper feelings for Finn beyond a confused affection. It was a revelation that came as a shock, and he wasn't sure if that was what Rachel was implying at all but if it was... was there a chance she still had feelings for Puck even now, and that the reason why she was so upset and confused about just about everything was because that was never resolved for her? Was that why the guy who took her virginity in a less than personal encounter, knocked her up at 16, ruined her chances of a normal high school experience... ended up her best friend? If no relationship, maybe she thought that was the next best thing and then Blaine was in the mix because he was a package deal with Puck.

Rachel looked up at Kurt with a frown when he started to bitch her out, but then she realised exactly what he was saying. He wasn't bitching her out, not really, he was going to bat for Blaine and that actually made her feel warm and fuzzy inside. At least, before there was a slight hint of jealousy that came with it that she never really had anyone stick up for her like that. This whole thing was hard for her because the loneliness was eating her up inside. She didn't want to be jealous of Blaine, but she desperately wished she could find a relationship like he had. It had to be nice to have someone care about you that much that they would stick up for you no matter what. "I just... felt like I would be getting in the way of what you guys had when he was mad at me and you didn't really like me. None of my reasoning is sound, okay? I'm jealous of you. There. I said it. I would give anything to have a connection with someone like you do. I've never had that before. I don't want to get in the way of the relationship you have with Blaine by being an annoying pain in the ass. Because seriously, that seems to be about the only talent on my CV lately."

As soon as he was asking her that question, it felt like someone was trickling cold water down her back. She looked at him, wondering how the hell he could know, or even be that close on the right track. "Who wouldn't want their first time to be special? I bet yours was. I knew hardly anything about sex at the time... I... still don't. But I knew it was one of the most intimate things I would ever do, and I-I hoped it would be with someone who cared about me. I hated at the time how it made me feel because I felt like I screwed something up I would only get one chance at in my life, but yes... I guess you can say I did hope at the time he might have changed for me behind closed doors. He didn't. I didn't feel special or important, I felt like another notch on the bedpost he just moved on from when he was done. I don't even know why I hoped that with Puck. He wasn't really capable of making anything but his own dick feel important. I was so young and stupid. I should have waited. Then when I found out I was pregnant, it was like my whole world came crashing down around me, and not even in a romantic drama type of way. I couldn't tell my fathers because I was so terrified. I didn't tell anyone until I was so far along, I had no choice but to tell them. It was too late to do anything then. It's why adoption was the only answer."

She fell quietly, looking down at her hands. "You would think I would be used to this feeling of loneliness by now, right? I never really had anyone. Not until later when things got a little better and I came to Miami with Puck and Blaine. We got close, and they were like brothers to me, I guess. Just... brothers. That's it... Maybe faghag to Blaine, but Puck only ever saw me as some substitute little sister he once fucked. Even that was weird, considering we're basically the same age. I'm glad things didn't stay bad between us after I had to give the baby up, but I just need to let go of my past and move on because no matter how hard I have tried, I still have nothing. I have no one. See my best friends hook up and have less and less time for me, it's just... I think it's time for me to move on."

Edited 2012-09-20 16:39 (UTC)

"You're never going to find that connection with anyone, Rachel, if you keep sabotaging yourself. Trust me, I know. I also know it's a really hard lesson to know how to open yourself up to someone and let them in, but until you do, all you're going to project is a negative vibe about yourself. So, sure, you have done some some nasty and awful things in the past. You've hurt people. It just sounds to me like your comfort zone is being alone because you're afraid of what will happen if you try to get what you want and it doesn't work." With his fingers entwined together, Kurt put his hands on his chest for emphasis. "And I know that concept better than anyone right now. I know what it's like to constantly live in fear of yourself. You don't want to get like I am, Rachel. You just don't. You can be happy if you want it, but you can't be scared of it. And that takes a lot to learn, and sometimes? Sometimes you need to let someone else help teach you how to get it. That's Blaine for me. He came into my life at a time I least expected it and he was opening my eyes up to a whole new world and what I started to see within myself terrified me because I had never experienced those feelings before. I think you have experienced those feelings, and I think that it didn't turn out the way you hoped, so it spooked you and now you have never figured out how to lay your heart on the line again. You're scared if you do, it will get shattered all over again..."

He shook his head slowly. "No one ever gets used to loneliness. We accept it, but we never get used to it. Hell, I've had people around me for many years now, but I was still lonely within myself. The loneliness you're talking about isn't physical distance from people, it's emotional distance. But only you can fix that. Running away won't help. It's just going to create even more distance. You can't keep letting your emotions cause you to lash out at people, or you will be left with no one. Rachel... you need to talk to Puck, and I think you know why. Really talk to him, and make him talk to you."

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"This time I think I'm to blame. It's harder to get through the days. You get older and blame turns

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