slidingmoments | "Break my dreams, that's what they'll do."

Entry tags:

"Break my dreams, that's what they'll do."

Who:

breaksniceguys
What: Ain't nothing but a Fag Hag/Honorary Big Sister/Mentor thing
Where: Emergency Room, Jackson Memorial Hospital, Miami
When: Follows THIS
Rating: Probable swearing

Kurt was in pain and feeling sorry for himself on account of the fact he had smashed face up one side and probably looked extremely unfabulous, but he was also pissed off finding himself in the ER. He hated when that happened. It meant he slipped too far. Not to mention the embarrassment when he woke up to Quinn and Mercedes sitting there and they told him just what a mess he landed himself in. He took it too far on the treadmill and must have fainted from overheating. They had come home to find him in a smooshed mess on the carpet beside it with a bleeding head and bruised face, the treadmill still going at top speed. And that wasn't event he worst part. The worst part was the fact he had shoved laxatives down his throat right before he got on there... but that wasn't something he wanted to think about, and he shoved his fingers in his ears and told them to piss off when they tried to tell him what happened.

Now he was sitting on a gurney in the ER in an atrocious hospital gown listening to the hospital bustle beyond the curtains pulled around his bay. He had a minor concussion, so they were keeping him for a few hours to monitor him, but he just wanted to go home and go to bed. His mind kept wandering to Blaine, though, and the guilt churned in his gut. He was just sitting there with his lips pressed together trying not to wallow into his own self-pity and start to cry when the curtains were pulled back and Holly appeared. That look on her face? Kurt had seen many, many times before. "So, I got pawned by a treadmill. What of it?" he asked bitterly with a small frown, arms folded defensively over his chest.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Holly arched an eyebrow at the greeting. "Nice to see you too, sweetie." Despite the lukewarm welcome she leaned down to press a kiss to his forehead where it didn't look too bruised and set down a couple of fashion magazines she'd brought with her for him to flip through. "And I don't about the treadmill, but I'm pretty sure that expression you have going on isn't just because you face-planted exercise equipment. So spill, or I'm just going to sit here and tell you all about the fashions I used to wear before you got to me."

Kurt looked over the magazines and then back up at her face. It was like a tradition with them when he had been in hospital, some sort of silent deal that she kept him well-stocked in them so he didn't go stir crazy. It was those magazines she used as bargaining power to get him to go back to fashion design at college when he used to bitchily pick the fashion apart as a distraction from all the issues swirling around in his head as they laden him with therapy session after therapy session.

"Spill what? I don't know what you want me to say." Well, he sort of did, but that didn't mean he was going to easily pour it all out when he was trying to pretend it hadn't even happened to start with. How was he going to explain this to Blaine? It wasn't like he could say the dog ate his homework and that's why he had a smashed in face. He was a little agitated, picking at the hem of the blanket over his legs with his finger and thumb while he worried the inside of his lower lip between his teeth. "I can't get any fatter, he'll hate me! He's not going to want to date a drag queen," he eventually hissed, leaning forward like it was some sort of prized secret.

Holly never forgot those first few occasions. It was a way a lot of their traditions had been born; silent and unspoken but becoming habit whenever Kurt found himself in hospital. She set down a bag of grapes as well but they were more for her than for Kurt. She knew better than to make him eat but sometimes when he saw her eat he'd at least have a couple.

"You don't think Quinn and 'Cedes have already had a little word in my ear? I'm not so distracted by tall dark and handsome to realise that your short dark and handsome has been on your mind, and is no doubt on your mind now. He's never seen you in hospital. He's never seen you like this, has he?" Holly's expression turned sad as she watched Kurt's face and kept back the sigh building up. "Kurt, I know we go through this every time but you're anything but fat. You've got a couple sizes to play with before you could ever be accused of being fat. My middle finger is fatter than you right now. From what you've told me of Blaine, I can't see him hating you for any reason."

Kurt averted his gaze, turning his head to look over at the sink in the corner of the bay. He could still feel that strain in his stomach that came from extensive over-eating and purging. It felt similar to when you did too much exercise and all your stomach muscles hurt... only different. It was the aftermath of his episodes that he didn't like. It was when he started to really feel like maybe he didn't have any control and his resolve slipped on just about everything. It was usually during these windows that his friends managed to wrangle an agreement out of him to go back to therapy.

"He..." '...doesn't know' his mind finished for him, even if the words died on his lips. He hadn't told Blaine anything and he wasn't sure he even wanted to. Blaine was definitely going to think he wasn't worth the hassle once he found out what a basketcase Kurt was. He hadn't discussed any of his past with Blaine and thought of doing so terrified him. "How are things going with that guy anyway? I've hardly seen you lately. It must be pretty good. It better be good, he's rich enough."

Holly just chewed on her grapes quietly for a moment before she reached out to flick open one of the magazines to show Kurt an interview on the inside - tall dark and handsome in all his unbelievably sexy glory. The guy ran a pharmaceuticals company but was still in a magazine talking about Armani and suits. She would get to the therapy part of their conversation when he was a little more settled.

"I've managed to keep my pants on, you should be proud. I'm not really forcing him to go slow but we're spending a lot of time just talking and hanging out when he has the windows. The kissing is fucking spectacular. Seriously. I'm starting to wonder why I haven't taken my pants off, but I need to play it safe a little bit. Who'd have thought, huh?" She curled her fingers around Kurt's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "You can't hide this from him. If it turns serious and you two are attached at the hips you're going to need to tell him. He has to know how to help you."

"It's not going to turn serious. I... I'm fine." Okay, that was about as convincing as Paris Hilton saving the homeless on the moon. It was just a hitch in the road. He was self-conscious with this dating thing and he was worrying about getting in too deep in case it screwed up and got hurt. But he just couldn't resist Blaine's charms. Even beyond that, he was amazed by the guy. He had been amazed by him from the moment he appeared to help Kurt like a knight in shining armour. It was like he was too good to be true, just like Kurt told Blaine earlier. But the aggravating factor of Rachel Berry had cut Kurt down in all the wrong places, and he was spiralling before he could stop it. He had been slipping for weeks now, ever since he got insulted in front of his class by his teacher right before he met Blaine. Only, his illness was something he could maintain a sense of control with. He never coped well in the early stages of therapy when they started to push him back out of his very well-honed routine again.

He pulled the magazine closer to look. He was still maintaining the fact he looked like the new Superman, just shorter hair. It was strange that both he and Holly managed to hook up around the same time. He couldn't wrap his head around that. "I can't judge on waiting for anything or playing it safe..." he murmured and slid the magazine back towards her. "He doesn't need to know about my past. Why does he need to know? Can't he just... have this me? I don't want him to hate me. He has every reason to. Things like this don't happen to people like me. He's going to find someone better. Even if he's... never been with anyone else either."

"He hasn't?" That was news to Holly and she could feel her eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "Well, that's interesting. So there's nothing much to be nervous about now, is there? He doesn't have all this experience over you. And you know what? Kurt, there's no one like you. There's no one better even with this side of you. You can't keep pretending. If you have a really bad slip then he needs to know what to do. What if you're with him and you can't get to me, or Quinn, or Mercedes?"

Holly pulled the magazine into her lap and gazed at the photograph at Ethan. A slight tingle rolled down her spine as she thought about being the woman who would see him naked and be with him in a way other women only daydreamed about. She let out a wistful noise before her attention went back to Kurt. "There has to be something that shook all this loose, honey. You were doing so well. I know relapses are inevitable but they're always triggered by something, and I don't think it's just Blaine. He's been good for you."

"He says he hasn't, and I trust him. I told him about me first, so I... guess there is room for... for..." Fabrication? These were his insecurities creeping in again. Blaine had no reason to lie to him and he wasn't going to end up hating on himself for doubting Blaine's words. That wasn't fair. "No, there's not. He was being honest with me because I was being honest with him. Not everyone just jumps into bed when they're fourteen to screw, you know! You're talking like I'm an epileptics or drug addict or something. I can control this. I can. This was just... I had a bad day. That's all it is."

He rubbed his fingertips into his eyes. "Just... comments people make sometimes. I don't know. Sometimes it just gets too much. I don't want to screw this up with him, but I have no idea why he even wants me. He keeps telling me these things and my mind is just arguing with him. People like him don't exist, I'm waiting for it to all go wrong. He's the sort of guy I would have wanted when I was seventeen. I always hoped it would happen, and when it didn't, I stopped hoping and started realising I was deluded. But I have to keep being what he wants, or he'll believe his friends and hate me too."

Holly rest her arm on his bed as she continued to hold his hand, listening to him as she tried to figure out if this Blaine would be the type of guy to play Kurt. "You're an addict of a different sort, Kurt. You might be able to get to the point where you don't relapse, but right now it's still something that can happen any time it's triggered. I'm not trying to make you feel worse, just face up to the facts. The fact that he's just as new to this as you means you both get to discover the joys of sex with each other for the first time. That's not an experience many get today. I love you for not just going out there and having sex at fourteen, but it's okay to want it now. Even if it's still a slow discovery."

Holly fell back in her chair like she'd been slapped just listening to Kurt. "What? What? Who the fuck hates you and what have they been telling him?"

Kurt blinked tiredly when he felt himself slot back into that ever-familiar realm where he would eventually admit to Holly he had slipped and needed help, and she would call the therapist to make the appointment and drive him there because she knew he wouldn't do it on his own. And the reason he wouldn't do it on his own was because it made him feel like a failure, and at least he didn't have to be alone. It wasn't like he was a total mental case. He understood what was wrong with him these days, unlike when he hit rock bottom after school. He knew without his friends, he would be dead right now. "I don't know if I want him to see my naked. I don't even like myself naked, so why would he? But I just thought it might be information overload to go from 'I'm a virgin, and oh, by the way, I hate being naked too'. I'm trying. I'm just scared he'll change his mind on everything if I tell him this."

He sighed with a small shake of his head. "My teacher at school gave me a hard time about my tastes, and a few other of my classmates jumped in to agree. But... I need to learn to take criticism like that if I want to stay in this business. It was neither here nor there, but just bothered me a lot because it came with insults to me. Veiled, but still there. And... Rachel Berry from high school. She's a friend of Blaine's these days apparently. I ran into her, it didn't go down well because you know how hard she made it for me to get anywhere in school, and then she was insulting me too and telling Blaine she hates me. She's got nothing on how I feel about myself, though."

Holly rubbed her fingers against her lips as she watched him before looking away with a sigh. She wasn't his therapist, she was his former teacher and number one hag. She just couldn't stop when it came to trying to give him advice, but she knew she didn't have all the answers. That was why she always was so ready to drive him to the therapist. "It probably is a bit of a head fuck sure, but it might help him to understand why you want to wait. I hate to say it sweetie, but there will be no sex until you can deal with being naked. Not unless you only ever want to do it with your clothes on which I would never judge you for of course."

And then she rubbed her fingers against her forehead and tried to fight the surge of anger she felt towards his teacher. Clearly the guy was a prick and didn't need to be in front of students. But there was no ignoring the anger she felt towards Rachel Berry and Holly was up and out of her chair as she paced and swore under her breath. "Jesus Christ, why can't these people just ever get a clue? I used to think Rachel had something buried deep, you know? That there was something under the surface but she just can't help herself, can she? And that teacher! I want to strangle him." She paused to take a deep breath and came to a stop at the end of his bed. "Okay, okay. I'm cool, calm, collected. But I'm starting to question your boyfriend's tastes in hags."

Kurt watched her intently, even if there was a look on his face that indicated he wasn't sure how confident he was in any of this. Something halfway between helpless and passive judging of what she was saying. "There was..." He swept his hand out in front of him and waved it back and forth a little, floundering for the words. It wasn't like he was skilled in talking about this at all. "Touching... mutual... and stuff."

His eyes widened just a little as he watched her get up and pace, clearing his throat and brushing his tongue over his lips to wet them. "I was just as much a bitch, but I was only being honest. She never liked honesty. She never liked being told she was anything but perfect and adored by all... and I just never adored her. I despised that because of her, I never had a chance in Glee Club. I despised what she did to Finn. It was hard enough for me in school to catch a fucking break, but every time I tried to get a leg up in Glee, she was there to tear it down because she felt entitled to be the one in the lead all the damn time. So I gave up and moved on to the Cheerios... at least, until you took over. By then, you were willing to give me chances, but I was so screwed in the head I tried turning you down all over the place. You were the best thing that happened to that school, though. Blaine was pissed by what she said. We talked about it, and he doesn't want to let anything damage what we have... My head was just short-circuiting by then anyway. Wondering if he maybe he should just listen to her. She said I belonged on RuPaul's Drag Race."

Holly's eyebrows went up before she leaned forward. "And you were going to tell me when? I don't care if you think I'm busy, you always tell me these things! Last I heard there had only been kissing." She let her eyebrows re-settle before she met his gaze again. "Did you like it?"

Holly scoffed at Rachel's apparent killer barb before rolling her eyes as her hands landed up on her hips. "Seriously? Fucking seriously? Um, no. How about fuck that. You'd make a terrible woman and I mean that in the nicest way possible, sweetie. You're made to be a gay man, not a drag queen. A kilt does not make you a skirt-wearer. That, and you'd look horrible with breasts. Okay, so he's ignoring her to make sure he gets to keep your relationship going. You two faced a hurdle and overcame it. And calling Rachel a hurdle is being polite."

"I don't know. When you weren't dreaming of Superman?" Kurt scrunched his nose a little and tugged his lips to the side. "It was the night he asked me to sleep over, after I told him I was a virgin and he confessed the same. It was just experimenting. There has been anything else since. There was kissing and hand action, then I stayed with him in his bed, even though he was going to sleep on the sofa. It just didn't happen like that, and I'm glad it didn't. It was the morning after we made it official. I liked having someone that close more than I thought I ever would. He's so warm and cuddly. I don't know, he fits. I never thought anyone would fit me. I was hesitant at first letting him touch me. Clothes stayed where they were, but it felt good. Felt weird as hell touching another dick that wasn't attached to me, though."

He listened and then gave her a small smile, even if his eyes belied a little with sadness. "You don't think I'm just too much of a gay pansy and can't do anything but that in my life? I... don't want to let him down. I think I.. I... really care about him. He doesn't make sense, he's too good to be true, but I want him close to me."

Edited 2012-03-04 04:30 (UTC)

Holly snorted in amusement before she pointed at herself. "I am no Lois Lane, and he wears his underpants on the inside. Well, experimentation is how you figure it all out. And it's okay to think it feels weird or to not want to go through with things." Holly couldn't help but smile though at thinking of Kurt cuddling up with someone. "I'm just glad you're finally finding that sense of contact that can be even better than sex sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I love sex. I love touching guys, I love them touching me. No huge secret there, but a decent cuddle can be amazing. Cam still knows how to give me a good cuddle even though it's not sexual anymore."

Holly arched an eyebrow as she levelled him with a Look. "I think you're Kurt Hummel and you can do anything you put your mind to. As soon as you decide you want something, nothing stops you. And I think if you decide you want Blaine then no one - even his hag or your own hags - will get in the way of that. You just have to make the decision to let him in completely and he'll be yours."

Kurt's forehead crinkled up as he listened. It was no secret he didn't always listen when he was in one of his moods, but other than his father, Holly was probably the person he listened to the most. She was honest with him, laid everything out how he needed it, and he appreciated that beyond belief over the years. Like the time he fainted on the Nationals stage right in the middle of his first ever competition solo. After he came to, she sat him down and gave it to him straight... therapy, or consequences he never discovered what they were because he listened after scaring the shit (and embarrassing the hell) out of himself. "I did like it," he confessed quiet. "The rest just doesn't come naturally to me, but he's so... well, he's like a bouncy puppy. He just says and does what he feels, and I guess maybe I need a bit of that in my life. I just still don't get why he wants it with me. But he's very affectionate, very open and honest, and I don't understand how he's a virgin too. He said he was searching and wanted to wait. Sex just seems so... the body worship doesn't seem... I don't even know what I'm trying to say."

He snorted himself. "I don't understand how that constitutes fag hag. It doesn't seem anything like the friendships we have. She seems... really judgemental of his decisions. I don't know. I know he was really bummed and hurt by it, though. He skipped a class to mope. That doesn't seem like him. So I went to see him and took him lunch, and we talked. Just... you make all that stuff look so easy."

Holly did appreciate the moments when he listened though, and sometimes even when he didn't seem to be listening she always discovered he'd still absorbed it and sometimes acted on it later. She stayed standing at the foot of his bed to keep expending the restless energy she had and continued to smile at him. "Honey, I think I know what you're trying to say and I think you'll find it'll be a butt load - no pun intended - easier if you just keep doing what you're doing. Keep going with the experimentation and touching and keeping doing the things you find you like. The rest falls into place. And hey, you know what they say about opposites. Maybe you've just found the guy who can give you the bouncy puppy stuff so that you don't need to be that way yourself. Just like you might give him a little grounding that he needs."

Holly grinned. "That's because I am the best at what I do. I've also had a lot more years to practice than any of you. It's true that I am completely fabulous, but you can't really have already forgotten just how crap I did used to be at all this. I mean, I had a kid with an ex who's got a live-in male lover. That's not everyone's idea of having it together or easy."

Kurt nodded slowly as he absorbed her words, once again thinking about Blaine and how he was suddenly a huge part of Kurt's life. It was taking some getting used to, but he found himself smiling more lately than he had been and even just Blaine's texts gave him this little tickle in his gut that was unfamiliar territory. "What if he sees me naked and thinks I'm disgusting? He... keeps telling me I'm beautiful but I have no idea what he's looking at. He must need glasses or something. I can't see what he sees. He's the one who is stunning. Plus, he's short. I never thought I would be connected with a short guy. I think he's going to ready a lot sooner than I am, though. What if he loses interest and doesn't want to wait?"

He waved his hand dismissively. "Age is all in the mind. Most people look at you and still think you're in your twenties or thirties. You were a surrogate for a guy who really wanted a child and you had no reason not to help him, because that's what you do," he corrected pointedly. "Again, it makes you one of the best friends a guy could have. Rachel Berry could only dream of being anything like you. I never understood how she could classify herself a friend when there's no room for anything but her ego. Plus all her pipe dreams how she was going to be a huge star and following in Babra's footsteps because of her immaculate talent and why I was always shoved to the side so she could have everything? All a waste of fucking time. She's doing nothing. She told me. And I think I'm allowed to be a little bitter about that. I wanted to be a performer more than anything, and I could have done it if I had a fucking chance."

Holly moved from the end of his bed so that she could perch on it next to him and leaned forward to press a kiss to his forehead. "Kurt, you are beautiful. And I'm saying that in the least creepy ex-teacher and current head hag way. You just don't see it because you were sick. Everyone else can look at you and think you're amazing, but your head set wasn't that way for a while and it can be hard to shake. He doesn't need glasses, you just need to see what everyone else sees. If I could get you inside my head, I would, but then we'd also have a bazillion more issues for you to be dealing with so let's just stick with this one." She grinned a little before patting his leg. "It's like I said, I get the tall dark and handsome, and you get the short dark and handsome. Not a damn thing wrong with that."

Holly tried not to look amused as he got fired up over Rachel Berry. "Welcome back, Mr Hummel. You know that you're never too old to be a performer either, right? Age is in the mind, remember? Someone wise told me that. Once you're done with college or even now there's still always a chance to go after that dream. You just have to find your niche. And I only look as young as I do thanks to you always pointing me in the right cosmetics direction. You're my wizard. I'd give Cam a child all over again, but somehow I think maybe the next time if I can even get another next time could be with Superman if things work out. But again, that's getting ahead of myself. We still need to have sex first."

Kurt listened but there was still that inability for him to believe the words. He couldn't help but wonder if the sex was the least of his worried. He was sure once Blaine found out how screwed in the head Kurt was with this, he wouldn't want to bother. The sex was cropping up because every time Kurt looked at himself in the mirror right now, he saw fat. Fat all over the place. It plagued him, and he needed to work on that again. He held his hand up. "I don't need any straight chicks in my head. The gay guy is confused enough." He looked at her helplessly, though and sighed. "I really, really like him. I don't understand it, I've never felt it before, but he does something to me that I don't understand. I've never met anyone like him. He thinks he's this embarrassing dork, but... he's not. He's just so open and honest. Joie de vivre. He has it in bucketloads and it's not something I'm sure I've ever had. So, why me? Why does he want me?"

"No, I can't. I don't want people looking at me like that. I don't want to be under spotlights that show all the fa-- blemishes," he quickly corrected, averting his gaze. "I still work with Sue and her squad for Nationals each year to help out, and that's enough for me." But he looked up at her quickly at that, eyebrows raising. "You want a child of your own?"

Holly stroked her fingers through his hair. She was already making plans for how to get him to a therapist once he was given the all clear from here. But she couldn't help the pointed look she gave him. "And that right there is why he thinks the way he does about you. You see stuff in him he doesn't see in himself. That's how a relationship works, then pretty soon you're realising why the two of you fit and how amazing it feels to have this other person that fills in all your blanks. And I mean that in a non-sexual way for once."

She bit back a curse at her slip before just giving a nod. "Sure, I get it. I was just saying..." Holly glanced up towards the ceiling as she straightened up at the question. "I don't know. Sometimes. Sometimes I think it'd be nice to have a family that's mine, but then I do have a family. It's just not a conventional one. Maybe this is just how it should be. If I was ever a fulltime parent I might be in more danger of fucking up the kid. They don't need that."

Kurt started to twist the edge of the blanket through his fingers. "I'm really trying. He just keeps surprising me, but I don't know whether it's because it's just how he is naturally, or if it's because I'm trying to look for bad things in my head all the time. I slipped on our date. He paid for this amazing meal, and I was so engrossed in him and what he was saying, that I was stuffing it in my mouth like nothing else, and I..." He shook his head, turning his eyes to the ceiling when the guilt washed over him. "He makes me wonder what it would be like to be like everyone else and have something like sex just be an every day part of life, but then I think about me doing it, and I feel gross again."

"Yeah, but you and Cameron always had an understand that he would be the primary parent, so to speak. It works what you have, but Lachlan is for him. You always said that. I've never heard you really talk about wanting a family all of your own from a relationship before. I guess we're both facing scary shit here," he murmured, forehead creasing in thought.

Holly nodded. "I think it could be a bit of both, and there's nothing wrong with that so long as you know that now is the time for you to get help again. It doesn't make you fucked up to need help. How many times did you have me on the phone when I was pregnant because I just needed to freak out, even when I was trying to be all together mother-to-be?" She sighed, eyes dropping to Kurt's bed covers as she tried to find the right words to comfort him. "Talk to him about it. Please? He needs to know what's going through your head so that you can keep being on the same page."

Holly shrugged. "We did, and it's true. I don't know. Just sometimes I get a little wistful. Mostly I think I'm done with kids. I had my one for Cameron and that's been enough. It really does work for me, but I'm not about to stop being in Lachlan's life if I do find a partner. I'll always want a connection with him and Cam."

Tears filled Kurt's eyes then and he pressed his lips together, shaking his head. "I thought I was doing well. Everything seemed to be going okay. I mean, sure, I've not exactly been happy and I guess I've been a bit lonely lately, and wondering where the hell my life is supposed to be heading but I was doing okay. Then I knew I wasn't, but I thought I could get back on top of it if I just focused. Then Blaine happened, and it threw me off. I'm not used to someone focusing on me that much. He would send me texts late at night just to tell me goodnight. No other reason, just that. I feel it all on the tip of my tongue sometimes, but then when it comes to it, I can't tell him. It took everything to tell him I was a virgin, but this is... I-I'm trying to find the right way to do it. I'm just not there yet."

"You gave birth to him, you'll always be connected to him. That doesn't mean you have to be done with others if you want them. Not that I can talk, I don't see myself with kids, but you're good with them," he pointed out.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Break my dreams, that's what they'll do."

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject