"Break my dreams, that's what they'll do."

[justbeingaqueen.livejournal.com]

Who: justbeingaqueen and breaksniceguys
What: Ain't nothing but a Fag Hag/Honorary Big Sister/Mentor thing
Where: Emergency Room, Jackson Memorial Hospital, Miami
When: Follows THIS
Rating: Probable swearing

Kurt was in pain and feeling sorry for himself on account of the fact he had smashed face up one side and probably looked extremely unfabulous, but he was also pissed off finding himself in the ER. He hated when that happened. It meant he slipped too far. Not to mention the embarrassment when he woke up to Quinn and Mercedes sitting there and they told him just what a mess he landed himself in. He took it too far on the treadmill and must have fainted from overheating. They had come home to find him in a smooshed mess on the carpet beside it with a bleeding head and bruised face, the treadmill still going at top speed. And that wasn't event he worst part. The worst part was the fact he had shoved laxatives down his throat right before he got on there... but that wasn't something he wanted to think about, and he shoved his fingers in his ears and told them to piss off when they tried to tell him what happened.

Now he was sitting on a gurney in the ER in an atrocious hospital gown listening to the hospital bustle beyond the curtains pulled around his bay. He had a minor concussion, so they were keeping him for a few hours to monitor him, but he just wanted to go home and go to bed. His mind kept wandering to Blaine, though, and the guilt churned in his gut. He was just sitting there with his lips pressed together trying not to wallow into his own self-pity and start to cry when the curtains were pulled back and Holly appeared. That look on her face? Kurt had seen many, many times before. "So, I got pawned by a treadmill. What of it?" he asked bitterly with a small frown, arms folded defensively over his chest.

Comments

[justbeingaqueen.livejournal.com]

Kurt's forehead crinkled up as he listened. It was no secret he didn't always listen when he was in one of his moods, but other than his father, Holly was probably the person he listened to the most. She was honest with him, laid everything out how he needed it, and he appreciated that beyond belief over the years. Like the time he fainted on the Nationals stage right in the middle of his first ever competition solo. After he came to, she sat him down and gave it to him straight... therapy, or consequences he never discovered what they were because he listened after scaring the shit (and embarrassing the hell) out of himself. "I did like it," he confessed quiet. "The rest just doesn't come naturally to me, but he's so... well, he's like a bouncy puppy. He just says and does what he feels, and I guess maybe I need a bit of that in my life. I just still don't get why he wants it with me. But he's very affectionate, very open and honest, and I don't understand how he's a virgin too. He said he was searching and wanted to wait. Sex just seems so... the body worship doesn't seem... I don't even know what I'm trying to say."

He snorted himself. "I don't understand how that constitutes fag hag. It doesn't seem anything like the friendships we have. She seems... really judgemental of his decisions. I don't know. I know he was really bummed and hurt by it, though. He skipped a class to mope. That doesn't seem like him. So I went to see him and took him lunch, and we talked. Just... you make all that stuff look so easy."

[breaksniceguys.livejournal.com]

Holly did appreciate the moments when he listened though, and sometimes even when he didn't seem to be listening she always discovered he'd still absorbed it and sometimes acted on it later. She stayed standing at the foot of his bed to keep expending the restless energy she had and continued to smile at him. "Honey, I think I know what you're trying to say and I think you'll find it'll be a butt load - no pun intended - easier if you just keep doing what you're doing. Keep going with the experimentation and touching and keeping doing the things you find you like. The rest falls into place. And hey, you know what they say about opposites. Maybe you've just found the guy who can give you the bouncy puppy stuff so that you don't need to be that way yourself. Just like you might give him a little grounding that he needs."

Holly grinned. "That's because I am the best at what I do. I've also had a lot more years to practice than any of you. It's true that I am completely fabulous, but you can't really have already forgotten just how crap I did used to be at all this. I mean, I had a kid with an ex who's got a live-in male lover. That's not everyone's idea of having it together or easy."

[justbeingaqueen.livejournal.com]

Kurt nodded slowly as he absorbed her words, once again thinking about Blaine and how he was suddenly a huge part of Kurt's life. It was taking some getting used to, but he found himself smiling more lately than he had been and even just Blaine's texts gave him this little tickle in his gut that was unfamiliar territory. "What if he sees me naked and thinks I'm disgusting? He... keeps telling me I'm beautiful but I have no idea what he's looking at. He must need glasses or something. I can't see what he sees. He's the one who is stunning. Plus, he's short. I never thought I would be connected with a short guy. I think he's going to ready a lot sooner than I am, though. What if he loses interest and doesn't want to wait?"

He waved his hand dismissively. "Age is all in the mind. Most people look at you and still think you're in your twenties or thirties. You were a surrogate for a guy who really wanted a child and you had no reason not to help him, because that's what you do," he corrected pointedly. "Again, it makes you one of the best friends a guy could have. Rachel Berry could only dream of being anything like you. I never understood how she could classify herself a friend when there's no room for anything but her ego. Plus all her pipe dreams how she was going to be a huge star and following in Babra's footsteps because of her immaculate talent and why I was always shoved to the side so she could have everything? All a waste of fucking time. She's doing nothing. She told me. And I think I'm allowed to be a little bitter about that. I wanted to be a performer more than anything, and I could have done it if I had a fucking chance."

[breaksniceguys.livejournal.com]

Holly moved from the end of his bed so that she could perch on it next to him and leaned forward to press a kiss to his forehead. "Kurt, you are beautiful. And I'm saying that in the least creepy ex-teacher and current head hag way. You just don't see it because you were sick. Everyone else can look at you and think you're amazing, but your head set wasn't that way for a while and it can be hard to shake. He doesn't need glasses, you just need to see what everyone else sees. If I could get you inside my head, I would, but then we'd also have a bazillion more issues for you to be dealing with so let's just stick with this one." She grinned a little before patting his leg. "It's like I said, I get the tall dark and handsome, and you get the short dark and handsome. Not a damn thing wrong with that."

Holly tried not to look amused as he got fired up over Rachel Berry. "Welcome back, Mr Hummel. You know that you're never too old to be a performer either, right? Age is in the mind, remember? Someone wise told me that. Once you're done with college or even now there's still always a chance to go after that dream. You just have to find your niche. And I only look as young as I do thanks to you always pointing me in the right cosmetics direction. You're my wizard. I'd give Cam a child all over again, but somehow I think maybe the next time if I can even get another next time could be with Superman if things work out. But again, that's getting ahead of myself. We still need to have sex first."

[justbeingaqueen.livejournal.com]

Kurt listened but there was still that inability for him to believe the words. He couldn't help but wonder if the sex was the least of his worried. He was sure once Blaine found out how screwed in the head Kurt was with this, he wouldn't want to bother. The sex was cropping up because every time Kurt looked at himself in the mirror right now, he saw fat. Fat all over the place. It plagued him, and he needed to work on that again. He held his hand up. "I don't need any straight chicks in my head. The gay guy is confused enough." He looked at her helplessly, though and sighed. "I really, really like him. I don't understand it, I've never felt it before, but he does something to me that I don't understand. I've never met anyone like him. He thinks he's this embarrassing dork, but... he's not. He's just so open and honest. Joie de vivre. He has it in bucketloads and it's not something I'm sure I've ever had. So, why me? Why does he want me?"

"No, I can't. I don't want people looking at me like that. I don't want to be under spotlights that show all the fa-- blemishes," he quickly corrected, averting his gaze. "I still work with Sue and her squad for Nationals each year to help out, and that's enough for me." But he looked up at her quickly at that, eyebrows raising. "You want a child of your own?"

[breaksniceguys.livejournal.com]

Holly stroked her fingers through his hair. She was already making plans for how to get him to a therapist once he was given the all clear from here. But she couldn't help the pointed look she gave him. "And that right there is why he thinks the way he does about you. You see stuff in him he doesn't see in himself. That's how a relationship works, then pretty soon you're realising why the two of you fit and how amazing it feels to have this other person that fills in all your blanks. And I mean that in a non-sexual way for once."

She bit back a curse at her slip before just giving a nod. "Sure, I get it. I was just saying..." Holly glanced up towards the ceiling as she straightened up at the question. "I don't know. Sometimes. Sometimes I think it'd be nice to have a family that's mine, but then I do have a family. It's just not a conventional one. Maybe this is just how it should be. If I was ever a fulltime parent I might be in more danger of fucking up the kid. They don't need that."

[justbeingaqueen.livejournal.com]

Kurt started to twist the edge of the blanket through his fingers. "I'm really trying. He just keeps surprising me, but I don't know whether it's because it's just how he is naturally, or if it's because I'm trying to look for bad things in my head all the time. I slipped on our date. He paid for this amazing meal, and I was so engrossed in him and what he was saying, that I was stuffing it in my mouth like nothing else, and I..." He shook his head, turning his eyes to the ceiling when the guilt washed over him. "He makes me wonder what it would be like to be like everyone else and have something like sex just be an every day part of life, but then I think about me doing it, and I feel gross again."

"Yeah, but you and Cameron always had an understand that he would be the primary parent, so to speak. It works what you have, but Lachlan is for him. You always said that. I've never heard you really talk about wanting a family all of your own from a relationship before. I guess we're both facing scary shit here," he murmured, forehead creasing in thought.

[breaksniceguys.livejournal.com]

Holly nodded. "I think it could be a bit of both, and there's nothing wrong with that so long as you know that now is the time for you to get help again. It doesn't make you fucked up to need help. How many times did you have me on the phone when I was pregnant because I just needed to freak out, even when I was trying to be all together mother-to-be?" She sighed, eyes dropping to Kurt's bed covers as she tried to find the right words to comfort him. "Talk to him about it. Please? He needs to know what's going through your head so that you can keep being on the same page."

Holly shrugged. "We did, and it's true. I don't know. Just sometimes I get a little wistful. Mostly I think I'm done with kids. I had my one for Cameron and that's been enough. It really does work for me, but I'm not about to stop being in Lachlan's life if I do find a partner. I'll always want a connection with him and Cam."

[justbeingaqueen.livejournal.com]

Tears filled Kurt's eyes then and he pressed his lips together, shaking his head. "I thought I was doing well. Everything seemed to be going okay. I mean, sure, I've not exactly been happy and I guess I've been a bit lonely lately, and wondering where the hell my life is supposed to be heading but I was doing okay. Then I knew I wasn't, but I thought I could get back on top of it if I just focused. Then Blaine happened, and it threw me off. I'm not used to someone focusing on me that much. He would send me texts late at night just to tell me goodnight. No other reason, just that. I feel it all on the tip of my tongue sometimes, but then when it comes to it, I can't tell him. It took everything to tell him I was a virgin, but this is... I-I'm trying to find the right way to do it. I'm just not there yet."

"You gave birth to him, you'll always be connected to him. That doesn't mean you have to be done with others if you want them. Not that I can talk, I don't see myself with kids, but you're good with them," he pointed out.