slidingmoments | "I've got nowhere left to hide, it looks like love has finally found me."

Entry tags:

"I've got nowhere left to hide, it looks like love has finally found me."

Who:

rockstarwarbler,

justbeingaqueen,

jewhawk and

usedtohaveabs (posting order)
What: Double date... and then some.
Where: Anthony's Coal Fired Pizza, Miami Lakes
When: Thursday night
Rating: Leaving it open for now

It was true, Blaine really was like a dog with a bone. Once he decided he was going to try and nudge Puck into Quinn's direction, hopefully without either of them realising, he wasn't going to give up on the idea. And really, a double date had to be fun, right? Blaine always wanted to get a boyfriend so he could double-date with his BFF and patience really wasn't his virtue. Why wait on something like that? For some reason, though, when he suggested it to both Puck and Quinn, neither of them protested. It might have been because he worded it in a way like he was going to surprise Kurt and that both their BFFs should get along, right? Maybe they didn't actually realise he was setting them up on a date? That didn't matter. Blaine could still work with this.

But Kurt had been the one to very reluctant agree. Blaine told him he wanted to take him out for another date, but that it was going to be 'a surprise'. Kurt didn't seem into the notion, and he didn't seem a fan of surprises, but Blaine reassured him with would be fun and he would love it. Though, maybe he missed that mark because now they were all seated at the quaint little table for four in the restaurant waiting for their huge main course to arrive, Kurt was sitting back in his seat and eyeing Puck and Quinn across the table, cool blue eyes sliding back and forth between them before they locked back on Blaine's face wordlessly.

Blaine just grinned and took Kurt's hand on the table, giving it a squeeze. "I love pizza! Do you love pizza? There is nothing better than it, I swear. It smells amazing." Okay, so maybe he was somewhat oblivious to the discomfort Kurt was feeling right now. It was a double-date with their best friends! That just equalled fun in Blaine's mind, and it would be even moreso when they went bowling afterwards. Who didn't like bowling?

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There was no way in the world this was going to end well. Not for Kurt, anyway. Why couldn't he just tell Blaine he was sick? She understood he might be worried how Blaine would take it, but the guy seemed so caring and understanding. He wouldn't judge Kurt for it at all, and at the end of the day, Kurt had been battling this since he was fifteen years old. It was part of him, and Blaine had to be able to understand and accept the good and the bad parts of who Kurt was.

Kurt was matching the pace of the guys eating by this point. In fact, he was overtaking Blaine, but it looked like Blaine was just taking this to mean Kurt was extensively enjoying the meal. But she could see all the signs. The calculated concentration, no doubt leading to Kurt justifying why he should stuff the food into his mouth... that would later lead to guilt, to self-loathing, to the desperation to get rid of it from his system. Right now, he was probably in the realm of working out just how much he could eat and what it would take to prevent it putting on any weight with the right prevention methods. Right now, he was probably hardly paying Blaine any attention because the eating disorder voices were all-encompassing of him when he was like this, and that hurt Quinn's heart, because Blaine was trying so damn hard for Kurt. For the first time in a long time, Quinn wanted to bitchslap Kurt herself, but she knew he couldn't help it, and that was the hard part. He needed therapy again and maybe even medication. It was hard to tell, but it was a rapid enough spiral and this time, he might throw his new relationship under the bus too. She couldn't let that happen.

She reached over and moved his water glass, pulling it closer to her so she could pour more into it. It would break his whole routine and she hoped it would break his attention from the food too. It could also tip him further over the edge, but desperate times and all that. "Kurt, Puck asked you something, darling."

Everyone seemed to be really enjoying their meals, and Kurt especially. Blaine smiled when he watched Kurt switch from finishing his slice of pizza onto some garlic bread as he finished his own current mouthful, washing it down with a sip of red wine. "I thought you said you preferred vegetarian food, babe? You've completely ignored the vegetarian slice. Maybe there is hope for us yet if you like my favourite food," he laughed, wiping at his fingers with his napkin. "You're so skinny. Where do you put it all?" he joked, completely oblivious to what humour like that could actually do.

He balled up his napkin and threw it at Puck. "Dude! I told you what Kurt did. He works and he's at school. Did one of those crims hit you too hard in the head this week or something? Quinn, that dress looks amazing. That's Burberry, right? It's a nice dress, isn't it, Puck? She looks totally hot. If I wasn't 100% gay I would definitely be thinking about asking you out on a nice, solitary date somewhere nice with maybe candlelit tables..." He planted Puck with a pointed Look, following by a smirk, and then bit into his next slice of pizza.

Before Kurt knew it, he was through all five slices of pizza and realised he wasn't following any of the conversation around. And then Blaine spoke, and it almost sounded to Kurt like it was muffled, coming from a distance and he blinked. He looked around the table, Quinn's hand on his water glass, Blaine joking with Puck and then, what? Was he seriously trying to get Puck to ask Quinn on a date? Kurt dropped the remaining few bites of garlic bread down heavily onto his plate like it was burning his finger tips and picked up his water glass, drinking the whole thing down in one go with his head turned a little away from the three other people at the table. It was like he could already feel the fat congealing on the inside of his oesophagus and he nearly gagged on the water as he finished the glass and set it down onto the table again.

"You're so skinny. Where do you put it all?" Blaine's words began to repeat over and over in his mind like a dangerous mantra. Couldn't he see where he put it? On his hips, on his ass, and don't even get him started on his stomach. He would find out the real meaning of love handles if they ever had sex and could hold onto all the layers of fat Kurt was storing there. He should have just stuck to the soup. He was so goddamn stupid. You're fat, Kurt. You're never not going to be fat. It's all he can see, he's just being polite. Fat, fat, fat! The voices. Why couldn't they just shut up and leave him alone on his dates at least?

"Fine Arts in Fashion Design at Miami International University of Art and Design. Third year, one to go. I'm also a fully qualified senior hairstylist," he reeled off, peeling his napkin out of his lap and folding it over onto his plate. He patted Blaine's hand after he shifted in his seat. "You know your Burberry, darling, I'm very impressed. Will you excuse me please? I have to go... powder my nose." The words were quick and slightly breathless, but he made sure not to seem like he was rushing away. He even managed to give Blaine a smile, and when Blaine pushed up a little out of his chair, even realised a quick kiss needed to be shared.

Edited 2012-03-24 13:41 (UTC)

Puck didn't totally understand the ins and outs of Kurt's illness, but he did understand that he had a very unhealthy concept of food and eating, and he couldn't help the distinct feeling that Blaine's drawing attention to Kurt and how much he was eating and what he was eating could only be making things worse. His eyes didn't leave Kurt until a balled up napkin was hitting him, and he glanced back at Blaine, rolling his eyes jokingly. "Dude, I thought so, but I didn't wanna assume, and then be wrong. Believe it or not, I do listen to you, but there was an almost endless stream of information about how awesome Kurt is coming out of your mouth from the minute you met him. I had a hard time keeping it all straight," he teased.

And then Blaine was pushing the Quinn issue just a little more, and Puck shook his head with a grin. Relentless. That was definitely Blaine. "Yeah," he said, turning to glance at Quinn's dress. He couldn't deny she looked absolutely fucking gorgeous. The dress fit all her curves in all the right places, and if she had been anybody else, he probably would've already tried his hand at getting up the skirt of that dress already. But as it stood, this was a person who meant a lot to Kurt, and honestly, who was already beginning to mean a lot to him, and he didn't just want to fuck her and be done with it. This was different.

"That's really impressive, dude," Puck replied honestly. "How do you manage to juggle all that? You've gotta be some kind of master schedule maker or something. I'd lose my mind." Giving Blaine a wink, he added, "Hell, it's enough just managing my work schedule and keeping up with Captain Bouncy von Blainers over here."

And that was when Kurt excused himself from the table. Puck's eyes immediately darted to Quinn's with concern. This wasn't good.

The water was the biggest teller. It was the turning point where Kurt realised he had slipped hard and the food went from being friend to prized foe. There was nothing she could do right now without making a scene, and clearly Kurt just wasn't ready to talk to Blaine about this. If she tried to intercept at this point, it would be disastrous and she wasn't completely sure Kurt wouldn't pull the plug on even their friendship if she interfered when it came to Blaine. She knew him, and she knew his illness. She had stood by him for years for his fight with it, through all the ups and downs, but Blaine was his first boyfriend and a completely unknown quantity. She had to hope he would eventually open his heart up and confide in Blaine about his biggest weakness.

When Kurt got up from the table, Quinn just pressed her lips together slightly and watched him in concern, trying to plead with him using her eyes to just hold off, that it would be okay. But he barely even made eye contact before he was walking away from the table without looking back, and her stomach twisted, fighting the urge to follow him and she fiddled with the crust of the pizza slice on her plate.

She forced a smile to Puck and Blaine, clearing her throat and all-but forgetting both Puck and Blaine had just been complimenting her. Or at least, Blaine had been, Puck just agreed like the typical straight guy he was. "Are you enjoying your meal, guys? Great choice of restaurant, Blaine. Why am I not surprised pizza is a favourite of you two?" she asked, hoping to keep the conversation developing as much as she could.

By now, something was pegging Blaine as slightly out of the ordinary. He wasn't sure what it was, or if it was just the awkward of the forced double-date, but as Kurt stood, Blaine looked between him and then Puck and Quinn across the table questioningly. Were they all just being polite and really hated the restaurant he chose? He was suddenly getting a little paranoid and wanted to do a quick sniff check on his armpit to see if he smelled or something. He had just been so excited about tonight and the four of them hanging out that he hadn't really stopped to think that it all might go the wrong way.

And then there was Puck with the bland 'Yeah' about Quinn's dress and Blaine gave him a pointed kick under the table, even if his leg was only long enough to just connect his toes with Puck's shin. Right. It was time to pull out the big guns. If Puck was going to be a big doofus, he was going to have to get thrown in the deep end to flounder on his own for a little while. "You know what, I think I need to powder my nose too. All that wine, it really makes a nose... not powdered," he said with a smirk, getting up and dumping his napkin onto the table.

He pushed Kurt's chair in so he could get around it and then without waiting for their answer, he followed Kurt's path towards the bathroom, thinking he was being extremely clever leaving Puck and Quinn alone for a few minutes. And maybe if he was lucky, he might get a bit of a covet snog on the way back to the table with Kurt.

Kurt was relieved to find the men's room vacant of any other diners and he peeled out of his tailored grey jacket so he could hang it over the toilet paper dispenser. Even that down to the little details, he had done this so often that he didn't want to get his clothes dirty or dusty if he could help it. Not to mention those times where the purging just went wrong and he got vomit all over his hand and down his sleeve. No one said there was anything glamorous about it, even if Princess Di made it somewhat trendy for a period there.

He was quick and rushed as he rolled his shirt sleeve up to his elbow, nudging the stall door closed behind him. There was no kneeling on public bathroom floors. That was just disgusting nonsense. Toilet seat cover was torn from the dispenser overhead and he laid it over the seat neatly before planting one hand down on the rim to brace himself. This was the worst part, and he squeezed his eyes shut, sucking in a deep breath until he plucked up that burst of courage to delve the fingers of his other hand down it throat to trigger the gag reflex. It didn't take much, which is why, these days, he wasn't sure he would enjoy giving oral sex, and the next think he was coughing and retching loudly into the toilet as he purged himself of that greasy, slimy mess before it could linger enough to put any weight on.

Too rushed, though, and he could taste blood mixing in with the horrible sour taste. He must have scratched the back of his throat with his nails again and his hand was a mess. Knowing he was more than on the clock and Blaine was out there waiting for him to get back made him lose his footing with his usually calculated control and now there was the fact he didn't seem to be able to stop heaving. He tried to get it under control but his stomach kept contracting, causing his eyes to tear up and nose to run. Just focus, Kurt... focus, and deep breaths...

Blaine's look made it very clear what he thought of Puck's weak response to his compliment on Quinn's dress. But it wasn't like Puck didn't think she was fucking gorgeous, or that her dress looked amazing. But he didn't really know how to do the whole complimenting on clothes thing without sounding like a total idiot. He wouldn't have known Burberry from Target if asked, but he did know that Quinn had a great body, and looked fantastic in that dress, wherever the hell she bought it from. And if the look had left questions, the tips of Blaine's toes clarified when they hit Puck's leg.

And then Blaine was talking about powdering his own nose, and Puck almost protested. If Blaine was going to find out about Kurt, this wasn't the way to do it, but Puck wouldn't be able to stop him without a reason, and nothing else he could come up with would stop Blaine. The shorter man could read Puck's bullshit like a book, and no amount of it would convince him not to go.

So, after a moment, Blaine was off, and Puck turned to Quinn, shaking his head with a murmured, "Shit."

"Oh my god," Quinn mumbled and dropped her elbows onto the table at either side of her plate so she could helplessly bury her face in her hands for a few moments. She stayed there for a bit and then lifted her head again with a shake of her head. "I can only hope he makes it in there before Kurt does anything. Because he will. He's sick. The signs are all there, this whole thing is a struggle for him. It might not seem like a lot, but sometimes it doesn't take a lot to trigger it all. I think he's feeling really self-conscious with Blaine. It's..."

She paused, and exhaled sharply, pointing to her head. "He has what the shrinks call eating disorder voices in his head. Makes him sound like a mental case, but it's not that. It's the illness. It drives him. We might be sitting here having a casual conversation about the food and bowling, and whatever else, but Kurt's sitting there with a subconscious constantly telling him over and over to eat, eat, eat. You're all eating, why should he? Then it hits the brick wall, and suddenly, it will be telling him he's fat, he's weak, he should never have done it, he'll put on five clothes sizes in his head just from a few bites extra of pizza, and then has to get rid of it before that happens. This is why he needs to tell Blaine. Blaine needs to be aware of the struggle, but the stubborn bitch won't. He thinks it will scare Blaine away, or he's ashamed. I don't know."

Looking over the restaurant at the exit towards the bathrooms and fidgeted in her seat. "If he gets there before Kurt goes for gold, crisis might be averted, but temporarily. Kurt will probably still skip the date to leave to reach his goal anyway. I just bet in his head he's thinking if he has sex with Blaine it's going to be like Jabba the Hut doing a Ken doll."

The restaurant was busy, but not crowded to the point of irritation. The was no line up in the bathroom or anything, and he was smiling to himself when he pushed the door open and went inside, but boy did that fail on his lips as soon as he got in there. No one else was in there and only one cubicle was occupied. Blaine was in the bathroom all of ten seconds and was about to call out to Kurt when there was the unmistakable sounds of exerted vomiting from that cubicle. Still, just in case he was mistake, he still for a moment, listening and then the person inside retched again and that tell-tale sound of wet hitting wet left no room for error.

It wasn't a small bathroom, but there was no one else in there and Blaine quickly and succinctly put two and two together. "Kurt?!" he cried, moving over to the close bathroom stall. He gave it a soft knock. "Kurt, it's Blaine. Are you okay, sweetheart? That is Kurt, right? Did the pizza make you sick? Kurt, open the door and I'll get you some wet towels for your face... Kurt?"

The choked heaving continued for a couple of moments more and when no real answer to his queries came, Blaine started to wonder if it was even Kurt in there. But he had seen Kurt come in the direction of the bathrooms just a few moments before him and the restaurant had no back entrance. It had to be his boyfriend in there but Kurt had seemed fine just before? If he wasn't feeling well, why didn't he tell Blaine that? Confusion reigned free then, only to hear some shuffling through the cubicle door. Something being crumpled... a toilet seat cover? Who used one of those to spew? If Blaine was nauseated, he never had time to think about something like use a cover. And then the flush, and he stepped back a little to wait for the door to open.

Kurt was so stunned to hear Blaine's voice that he very nearly passed out. His legs too that jelly feel to them and almost gave out from beneath him, but it was only the sheer mess he was in that kept him on his feet, or he knew Blaine would break into the cubicle to check on him. It took a few moments to pull himself under control, and some toilet paper wiped away the mess over his hand and on the seat. Breathless, he shoved the seat cover into the bowl and them flushed as much of the evidence away as he could. His throat was burning and he could still taste blood, and he could only imagine he looked atrocious. Red, blotchy, leaking out of places he really didn't want his boyfriend to witness. He wiped his nose and mouth on some toilet paper, and with absolute fear bolting through him, he opened the cubicle door.

If he hadn't at that point, Blaine would have been relentless like he always was. Kurt swallowed heavily, but it was painful and he still hadn't quite caught his breath, but he wiped at his mouth with the wad of toilet paper and forced himself to meet Blaine's concerned gaze. "Dinner's... not agreeing with me so well," he offered, but the words sounded empty to his ears because he knew that although they had an element of truth to them, they were also a blatant and distinct lie. Blaine had nearly caught him and Kurt had no idea what he would have done if he had. He was overwhelmed with paranoia then that Blaine was going to know just from looking at him. He was going to see the fat, and put it all together. So, Kurt just broke the gaze and moved over to the sink to turn the tap on and shoved his hands underneath it to scoop some water up to his lips to rinse his mouth out.

That was when everything apart. He heard Blaine comment from behind him on something, and then just as he was turning around to see what, he was met with the sight of Blaine grabbing his jacket from where it was draped over the toilet roll dispenser. It was like it all happened in slow-motion. Blaine got a little enthusiastic with the grab and the next thing Kurt knew a plastic bottle was flying from the pocket and when it crashed into the nearby wall. It split open and sent the pills flying everywhere, the bottle rolling back to land right near Blaine's foot and Kurt felt like the whole ground was suddenly torn out from under him.

Without even knowing why, Puck reached out to put an arm around Quinn, giving her shoulders a warm and gentle squeeze as he did so. "It's messed up how his brain does that to him," he said softly. "It breaks my heart for the guy. He's too small as it is already... Blaine thinks he's just naturally really slender, but that's not... It's not natural. He's too thin... You take one look at him, and it's like he's gonna blow away in a freakin' wind or something."

Running his hand over his close-cropped hair, Puck met Quinn's gaze, shaking his head. "Blaine won't turn his back on him. If anything, he'll just fight that much harder for him. He's fucking nuts about him, Quinn. I just... I don't know how to get that through to Kurt, and honestly, I don't know if we can... If this illness is so strong that he can't even hear normal conversations, then how in the world are those voices gonna shut up long enough for anyone to get through to him if they're talking about the illness?"

"As small as he is, he makes Blaine look less thin, and B's in really good shape. I just don't... What can we do, Quinn? Seriously? I feel like we should do something, but nothing I can think of would work."

"He hears. It's not like he's completely oblivious to everything else. In fact, it's the opposite. He is super aware of everything around him so he can been up the mask. I know it seems really strange to wrap your head around, but it all makes entirely perfect sense to Kurt. Everything is controlled. When it's not, that's when he flips out." Quinn gestured to Kurt's place setting where everything was where it needed to be in his ritual. "That's why I've been so surprised he's let Blaine in. Blaine's so spontaneous and vibrant, he probably plans very little about himself. He's the opposite of Kurt. And as sweet and lovely as he is, I think Kurt's mind is flipping out a little with it because he doesn't know how to take Blaine. He's trying so, so hard. He wants it to work, but the illness is a constant demon for him. It's something he is always fighting and trying to knock him down."

The more time that ticked over, Quinn was thinking the worst, and she was grateful of the connection when Puck put his hand on her arm, so she offered him a small smile at it. "He's been well, believe it or not. About a year now without problems and he was back on track with his weight, but he's fallen off the wagon again. He had some assholes at school trying to tear him down, and it's just been a lot of little things that have built up. He needs professional help. Holly will make him go to back to his therapist, and Kurt will be obedient with it. He might need to go back on medication. He takes anti-anxiety medications that help tone the voices down when he gets really bad. But we just need to catch him before he gets to the point that he's lost too much weight and needs hospitalisation to feed him. That's happened. A couple of times now."

"I think what we do depends on what happens in the next few minutes," she murmured with a sigh. "Blaine is probably going to need you either way. Whether he's in there catching Kurt at it, or if Kurt is about to try and pull the plug to protect the secret when he realises how close he got to being caught."

Getting the confirmation that dinner had made Kurt sick automatically spiked guilt in Blaine, and it had been on the tip of his tongue to start apologising like it was his fault for choosing the place. The concern won out, though, and he just wanted to help Kurt like when Kurt helped him the times he had felt sick. As Kurt moved to the sink, however, Blaine saw that he had left his jacket in there, and even though it pegged him as strange that Kurt not only had time to remove his jacket and use a toilet seat cover before he started to throw up, he grabbed it for him with a quick, "Kurt, you left your jacket, babe."

And yes, it was a quick grab because he was trying to get to Kurt's side so he could rub his back or hold some damp towels to his neck... anything to help. The plastic crash and shower of pills startled him, and when the bottle bounced just a couple of inches from his foot, he leaned over to pick it up when a shiver of apprehension trickled down his spine. Pills? Kurt had pills in his pocket on a date? Maybe that wasn't any of his business, but what sort of pills were they? Cold pills? Vitamins? Not vitamins on a date. He had spent the last few days staying with Kurt and never once noticed him taking medication of any sort.

He shouldn't have done it, he knew that. But he was too curious for his own good, and worried. He was turned the bottle over between his fingers to read the label, but it wasn't prescription and no easily recognisable cold pills. As he stood up again, reading the label, everything only got all the more confusing when he saw what they were. "... laxatives?" he murmured, more to to himself than Kurt initially. Though his head snapped up to look at Kurt, holding the bottle up and that was when it all seemed to hit him like a tonne of bricks. His eyes widened and he stood there gaping, mouth hanging open a little... the laxatives, the jacket, the toilet seat cover, the fact Kurt's sleeve was rolled up, the pizza making him sick, dehydrating on the treadmill, the fact Kurt near hit the roof when Blaine tried to get his hand up his shirt during a makeout session, how skinny he was, the lengthy trip to the bathroom on even their first date... "K-Kurt, are you... have you..." But the words died on his lips in shock, and then he was lost for words.

The shock, the hesitation... Kurt's mind immediately absorbed it and mashed it up to spit it out the other side of his brain as disgust, regret, second-thoughts. As quickly as these few moments were passing, it was enough for Kurt to think Blaine was absolutely horrified by the pieces of the puzzle he was putting into place and Kurt felt like he was standing in the edge of a cliff and about to be shoved off. Shit, he had come to care deeply about Blaine, and maybe even more. He had wanted to tell him so many times, and so many times it had been on the tip of his tongue to reveal the whole thing so he didn't have the burden of carrying it around with him. Quinn, Mercedes, Holly... they had all practically begged him to tell Blaine that he was sick, and Kurt knew he was sick. That was the hard part.

But he didn't want Blaine thinking he was a mental case. He didn't want Blaine to realise what a terrible burden he had taken on with all this, and that everything he believed Kurt to be was just a farce. He was really an ugly, fat, boring, waste of space, and it was only a matter of time before Blaine discovered that. And now was that time. Then to top all of that off, he was absolutely mortified at not just nearly being caught in the act, but Blaine discovering the laxatives. Blaine was far from stupid, Kurt had come to learn that. He might seem innocent about some things and wore his heart on his sleeve, but he wasn't stupid and now that he just a few small signs to work with, he was connecting all the dots very rapidly.

Kurt snatched his jacket roughly out of Blaine's grip and pulled it on, wrapping it tightly around himself like a shield. "What do you want me to say?" he sneered. "It's not my fault you were too stupid to realise how fucked in the head I am. I warned you. I warned you over and over again, but you just wouldn't let up! Well, I don't want this! I don't want you in my face or my business! I know what you really think about me anyway! Everyone thinks it! I tried to make this work, but it's not! You're too intense for me and you're not my type. I don't need you! I don't need anyone! It's over! I never even wanted you to start with, I just agreed to get you the hell out of my face!" So, apparently the best way he felt to deal with his boyfriend finding out his deepest secret was to completely kick him in the nuts. But that didn't matter, because Blaine would be way better without him anyway. As much as it killed like all fuck to lose Blaine just when he was feeling like he was maybe falling in love with him, this had to be done for Blaine's sake.

Edited 2012-03-26 15:52 (UTC)

"I just... I can't wrap my mind around it. I don't think he's crazy. Trust me, I've seen a lot of people struggle with illnesses in my job... Not that one specifically, but I've seen people with major depression who hurt themselves, or people who hear voices claiming to be God telling them to do really horrible shit. I've seen all that... But nothing like this. It's horrible. Kurt's awesome, and I'm not much of a judge of male hotness, but my BFF seems to think Kurt is the very epitome of it." He sighed softly, seconds seeming to pass like hours as they waited.

"It's shit like this that makes me regret the guy I was before... Before Blaine and everything else. You gotta wonder who you set off by treating them like shit... If they ended up in a situation like Kurt's. If they're okay now. It sucks... I guess it's like any illness, sometimes it comes back and rears its head, but it sucks that they can't just leave him alone." With a deep breath he looked at Quinn. It had only been a few minutes, but it felt like forever. What the hell was going on in there?

"Do... Do you seriously think he's gonna dump Blaine?" Puck asked, preparing himself for the worst, and not even sure totally that he knew what the worst was. "It's gonna break his heart... I've never seen him like this before. I don't... How do you help somebody deal with something like that?"

Quinn smiled softly, albeit sadly, as she lowered her gaze with a small nod. "Kurt's beautiful. I mean that literally. He's not some ripped, muscular tanned shiny dude with huge white teeth that chicks drool over in pornos... or gay guys. He's beautiful. There's no denying he effeminate, he always has been. When he's well, he's just got all these gorgeous features that make this package of a person who has this presence about him, but you can never quite put your finger on why. He can't see it, though. At all. What we see is not what he sees when he looks in the mirror. I really though Blaine might be the shining light at the end of the tunnel that could maybe help Kurt fight this, even for good. That he could feel that someone cares for him unconditionally."

"But he has just kept slipping and slipping. Blaine's right there, but he will not, for some unknown reason, reach out to hold onto him. He's keeping him at arm's length, and I don't even know if Blaine realises that. Kurt's making all the right noises, and trying to make it work, but... I don't know..." She toyed with her fork for a moment, falling quiet to try and gather her thoughts.

She met Puck's gaze and swept some loose strands of hair from her face. "I hope Kurt relents and tells Blaine the truth if he gets caught, but Kurt might find it easier to just slam the brakes on the whole relationship thing than cope with letting someone into the bulimic fort he has built around himself. The battles we had to fight to get him to even let us in are notorious. He was at a point he would rather let himself be in an horrific mess before letting us help him. Blaine's going to have to fight like we did, I think. But even then, that's a lot to expect of him, or to hope he will want to do. Just because he adores Kurt and obviously cares about him extensively, doesn't mean he is going to want to deal with fighting through all of Kurt's walls. And I have a feeling Kurt might make that choice for him."

Blaine felt like he had been kicked in the guts. He was working fast to try and wrap his head around this horrible turn of events, but he barely even had time to absorb the fact before Kurt was speaking. No, not speaking. He was spitting the words out angrily and Blaine had sunk back a little against the cubicle just from the onslaught of them all. What the hell was happening here? "I-I don't know what you mean... I-I don't understand..." he stammered, feeling like he wanted to cry. "Are you breaking up with me? Why are you breaking up with me?"

He panicked then. He knew the answer to at least his first question, and it felt like everything was crashing and burning around him. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, and looked at Kurt in horrified disbelief but also with a mixture of confused hurt. He realised he had absolutely no idea how to deal with this, or what to say, or how to react. His breath hitched up in his throat around a lump that had formed there, but he did manage not to burst into immediate tears, even if he did want to. Kurt had been lying to him the whole time to shut him up? That was the crushing blow, and it left Blaine without any urge to fight Kurt's words because why shouldn't he just not believe them? It's exactly what he had been fearing. He was too much of a pain in the ass for Kurt. All he had done was be himself from day one, and whilst he thought he had finally found someone who wanted him unconditionally, someone he absolutely adored and had falling hard for, apparently it had all be a big farce, and that hurt more than he could even say.

It was just a single tear that managed to escape and drip down Blaine's cheek when he blinked to try and stop the sting in his eyes. "I-I guess that's it then. I'd say I'd see you around, but I won't get in your way anymore." He just placed the pill bottle on the vanity beside the sink near Kurt, and turned to get out of the bathroom as quickly as he could. If someone didn't want you in their presence, you weren't going to make a bigger dick of yourself by sticking around.

His head was head was stooped low as he wove through the tables of the restaurant and made it back to theirs where Puck and Quinn were sitting. "I've got to go," he said, choked, as he grabbed up his coat and threw some cash on the table from his wallet to cover the bill. More tears started to fall then and he couldn't even look at them. He just shoved his chair out of his way so he didn't trip and ran out of the restaurant. He got to the end of the block before he stopped and sat down heavily on the steps of a closed clothing boutique to bury his hands in his face and started to sob.

Edited 2012-03-27 01:55 (UTC)

Kurt had never given his heart to anyone in the past to risk having it broken... until now. And if this was what it felt like, he never wanted to do that again. It felt like a physical and crushing pain in his chest, and he slumped against the wall, sinking down onto the floor beside the row of sinks where he drew his knees up and covered his face in his hands when tears came before he had a chance to stop them. It was the right thing to do. It had to be the right thing to do. Blaine was too good a person to need to deal with all his shit, and if hurting him to get him to stop wanting Kurt was the only way to do it, it had to be done.

But Kurt felt sick and devastated as he watched the door swing shut in Blaine's wake. It felt like a piece of him was being torn away, and it was only at that moment that he realised how deeply he had come to feel about Blaine. It had been a subtle transition the more and more time he spent with Blaine, the more and he had come to adore him, and adore those fluttery warm feelings in his stomach whenever they spent time together. He actually thought Blaine was an amazing person, and too good to be true, and most days he hadn't understood how he got so lucky to have a guy like that who actually wanted to spend time with him. He spent a lot of moments just watching Blaine and listening to him quietly. But Blaine didn't know the real Kurt, at least, so Kurt thought, and this was some sort of skewed way of saving him.

That didn't mean it didn't hurt, because it did. It was one of the worst pain Kurt had ever experienced, and now it was setting in, he didn't know how to make it stop. Eating. Eating would help it stop. Ice cream and chocolate. He could go out there and eat all that pizza, and surely it would help ease this horrible pain a little? It wasn't like he had to stay thin. It didn't matter if he got fat anymore. He was always going to be alone anyway. Even now, barely a couple of minutes after Blaine was gone, Kurt missed him, and a crushed sob echoed off the tiled walls of the bathroom. He wanted the pain to stop, and eating was the only way he knew it would.

As they continued their conversation, Puck could feel the love between fag and hag, just from the way Quinn talked about Kurt. But even as he listened to her, Puck was distracted by his worries about Blaine. The two of them met each other's eyes as she explained how hard a fight it was going to be to get Kurt to let Blaine in, and part of Puck wanted to suggest that Blaine just pull the plug now and cut his losses. But he knew better, and in the end, if he could find a way in, Puck knew that Kurt was what Blaine truly wanted. And even though it would hurt like hell to watch Blaine struggle through it, if Kurt gave him the chance, Puck believed that Blaine and Kurt could be really happy together.

Or at least he did before his best friend was coming back to the table and looking like hell. It was a stunned moment when Blaine paid the bill and dashed out the door. With a groan of concern, Puck pushed up from the table with an apologetic look at Quinn before he headed out the door after his friend. Blaine had gotten a hell of a head start in the time it had taken Puck's brain to catch up with what had just happened, but Puck managed to keep up with Blaine, and he sat down next to his friend on the sidewalk. "Hey... Hey..." he whispered comfortingly, his hand rubbing Blaine's back as he wrapped his other arm around Blaine's chest.

Blaine was hurt, and as much as Puck knew that Kurt hadn't done it out of spite, but because of an illness that wasn't his fault, part of him was fucking furious. Nobody hurt his boy like this and got away with it. "Hey, B... I'm here, man, okay? I'm so sorry, Blaine."

Blaine had an arm hugged around the iron stair railing next to him, and his head was resting against it. He couldn't speak at first, he was crying so hard and any words would just be drowned in more messy sobs. He really didn't want this to tear him down like this, but never in a million years could he have anticipated this being the outcome of tonight and it all happened before he could catch his breath. It hurt so damn much and crying seemed to be the only thing he could manage to face initially. He didn't want to break up with Kurt, but if it was all just fake anyway, he had been hanging onto something that didn't exist.

"He said... said he's only b-been doing everything to... to get me out of his face!" he sobbed and let go of the railing to hunch over, dropping his coat onto the floor at his feet. He tried to gulp in some air, but it just caused him to hiccup and choke on another sob and more tears spilt over his fingertips when he tried to wipe his eyes with them. "H-He said I wasn't his type and he never wanted...w-wanted to be with me!"

A couple walked past them up the sidewalk and had a good gawk at him, but he didn't even notice or care. "I think he was making himself puke in there," he finally added in confusion. "N-No... I know he was. He was. That's what started it all."

With one arm around his friend, Puck discreetly fired off a text to Sebastian and Jeremy. While Puck would have killed for Blaine in a heartbeat, he wasn't totally confident in his skills as an emotional support system, which sucked, if he were honest, because Blaine was always his emotional support. Still, he kept his arm around Blaine and rubbed gently at his friend's shoulder.

"Blaine..." Puck said, his tone soft and comforting. "Dude, I don't think he really meant it. He's sick, B. He's really fucking sick, and he's talking out of the sickness... At least I'm pretty damn sure that's what it is."

As the couple stopped to look at Blaine, Puck shot them the BFF death glare of doom as if daring them to say a fucking word. He was pissed off and hurt on Blaine's behalf, and he was itching to go for a fight on the other man's behalf at this point. And since he knew he couldn't take it out on Kurt? He'd be glad as hell to bitch out random passersby. "Shit," he said under his breath. "Quinn was right. Goddamn."

Blaine coughed wetly when the heavy crying got to the point where his nose was stuffed and everything was dripping or leaking. He pulled his jacket back up towards him to see if he had any mini packs of Kleenex hidden in there. And then broke down in a fresh wave of sobbing when he realised Kurt would be carrying tissues in his bag without fail. It was like the fucking Mary Poppins bag, he had everything in there, and now it was maybe making sense to Blaine why Kurt was so finicky and OCD about things.

He looked at Puck through tear-filled hazel eyes. "What?" he got out in a small voice when he didn't have any lucky finding tissues in his pockets. "Are you saying you knew about this? That Quinn told you? W-Why didn't you tell me? Or gives me a heads-up? I-I don't understand any of that sort of stuff. I mean, you just sort of think it's something that cheerleaders do in school when they want to look like supermodels. It wasn't just that. What he said, he sounded like he meant it. H-He doesn't want to date me! I've been nothing but a giant pain in his ass from the get-go. I can't believe I was so stupid. Of course no one is going to want to put up with me. I am pain in the ass. I'm a short-assed weirdo who annoys people, and I've annoyed Kurt, and now he wants nothing to do with me!"

The way that Blaine's sobs wracked his body tore Puck apart inside, and he shook his head, hating this whole situation and what it was doing to Blaine. He reached into his own jacket pocket, recovering a pack of Kleenex he hadn't taken out since the last time he'd had a cold, and handing them off to Blaine. With soft comforting sounds, he ruffled Blaine's hair with his hand.

Puck nodded slowly, feeling like an epic dick for not telling Blaine what he knew. "I... I did, but Quinn made me promise not to tell... She said it was Kurt's thing to tell, and she was right. I don't understand it either, B, but Quinn says it's like... Kurt has voices in his head telling him that he's fat... They tell him to eat, and then tell him he has to get rid of it or he'll be fat and disgusting... Q said... She said that it took forever for her and Mercedes and Holly even to begin to break through the walls he put up around himself. It's not personal, man... It's the illness talking. Hey!" he interrupted, catching Blaine's chin in his hand to force him to look him in the eye. "You listen to me. You're fucking incredible. You're the best friend I've ever had, and yeah, you're a short ass, and yeah, sometimes you're a pain in the ass, but that's what makes you the awesome dude I'm best friends with. So don't let Kurt's illness make you think less of yourself, dude. That's not Kurt. That's a fucking voice that's telling him he doesn't deserve you."

Blaine knew it wasn't Puck's fault that he knew the information first, but it just hurt. It felt like he had been blind-sided in the whole thing, and that if he maybe had a clue or a heads-up, he could have prepared better for this and maybe known how to deal with it. It had all blown up in his face, and he had no choice put to just accept the fact that he had lost Kurt... someone that had come to be so special to him and that he wanted to get to know so, so much more. Now that was all gone, and Blaine was pretty sure his heart was breaking for the first time, and he didn't like it at all.

He listened to Puck relay what Quinn had obviously told him. "So, it's... bulimia. I'm so stupid. I never saw anything wrong with him. It never even crossed my mind that there would be. Okay, when he hurt his face when he passed out on the treadmill, maybe that was strange, but it didn't seem it! And he tried to push me away then, but I just thought he was embarrassed. N-Not that any of it matters anymore whether I understand or not, because he doesn't want me! He broke up with me! It doesn't matter why, it matters that he said it and that's what he wants."

The tears just seemed to come thicker and faster at Puck's words, and even though he nodded in confused agreement because he trusted Puck unconditionally, it soon turned into a shake of his head. "But I've still lost him," he said tearfully. "I-I want to help him. Why doesn't he want me to help him? Why can't I be what he wants?"

"Yeah," Puck replied softly. "It's bulimia... He's had it since high school, and he was doing a lot better until some dudes started acting like assholes and making him feel like crap about himself. B, you're not stupid. Kurt's been practicing hiding this from people since he was 15, B. Look... People who are sick sometimes say things they don't mean, and I don't believe... Not even for a minute... that Kurt doesn't want you." This was a fucking mess. How was he supposed to convince Blaine of this? And in the long run, did it even matter whether or not Kurt wanted him if he wasn't going to let him in? "He's scared, B. He's fucking terrified that he's not good enough for you. Or anybody for that matter."

"I don't know, Blaine," he admitted, shaking his head with sadness, This was a fucking mess, and as Puck met his best friend's gaze solemnly, it felt like a knife was being twisted in his chest. "Listen, dude... I know you wanna help him. And maybe that'll end up being a good thing in the end, but... Right now, I think you need to maybe talk to Quinn and Mercedes. Not right this minute, but soon. They're the ones who know this thing... Way better than either of us. They've been dealing with it for years. They might have some... I don't know, some idea as to what we can do."

Blaine felt sick himself. Probably all that pizza mixing with the stress of the shock. He swallowed the sick feeling back as he listened and it felt just that little bit harder to breathing now, like something was crushing his chest. In the distance, he could hear a low rumble of thunder and he only just noticed now that it was overcast. Tears were still dripping down his face and he watched a cab drive past and pull up in front of the restaurant he had just run from and pulled some of the tissues from the little pack to wipe his eyes. "I have to believe him. You didn't see his face. He was so... serious about it. I'm not what he wants or needs, and if I just keep trying, it's going to make him think I'm getting up into his face even more. I didn't even realise I was annoying him so much," he said with a hitched breath.

"And then have him get more pissed off at me for interfering in his business when he doesn't want me to?" He shook his head, which was starting to ache. "No, I can't talk to them. I-I don't want to. The mere thought makes me feel sick. I can't deal with anything to do with Kurt knowing he doesn't want me. It hurts too much. I-I hope they can help him, because clearly I can't. As much as I want to try, he doesn't... I'm not... I just need to move on."

"B, look at me," Puck said, turning to face his friend full on. "Do you trust me? Because I'm telling you the truth. Even Quinn said it... That she was afraid Kurt would push you away because he wants to let you closer, and that scares him... Look, I don't know everything. I really don't, and maybe you're right, and Kurt just doesn't want you, but I don't believe it. Blaine, you're a good person... A great person, actually, and you mean the frickin' world to me. And I know that the kind of person you are is gonna do whatever it takes to help make Kurt happy, even if that means letting him go, but I'm not sure if that's where you need to be right now."

"Okay," he said finally. This wasn't the time or place to keep trying to reason with the heartbroken man in front of him. For now, he just needed to let it go and let Blaine have his time to recover and yes, even grieve, because in his eyes, he'd lost everything, and that was heartbreaking for anyone. "Come on, buddy," he said, standing and dusting off his pants before reaching out to help Blaine up. "Let's go home."

Blaine did look at Puck. At least, he did until a noise back in the direction caught his attention, and just as he was wiping some of the wet from his cheek with the backs of his fingers, he looked back up the street just in time to see Quinn and Kurt step out onto the sidewalk towards the cab that had just driven past and parked outside the pizza place. He froze, unable to look away when he saw Quinn open the door of the cab for Kurt. It was too far away to see much, especially through the tears, but their gazes met very briefly and it just made Blaine want to bawl his eyes out all over again.

But then the moment was gone. Quinn stepped in between their line of sight and Kurt was bundled up into the cab. The door was closed and the car drove off in the opposite direction. Blaine's breath hitched around a broken sob and he just nodded miserably. "Home. I want to go home." He wanted to go home, crawl into bed, and he was pretty sure he never wanted to get out again.

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"I've got nowhere left to hide, it looks like love has finally found me."

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