slidingmoments | "I've got nowhere left to hide, it looks like love has finally found me."

Entry tags:

"I've got nowhere left to hide, it looks like love has finally found me."

Who:

rockstarwarbler,

justbeingaqueen,

jewhawk and

usedtohaveabs (posting order)
What: Double date... and then some.
Where: Anthony's Coal Fired Pizza, Miami Lakes
When: Thursday night
Rating: Leaving it open for now

It was true, Blaine really was like a dog with a bone. Once he decided he was going to try and nudge Puck into Quinn's direction, hopefully without either of them realising, he wasn't going to give up on the idea. And really, a double date had to be fun, right? Blaine always wanted to get a boyfriend so he could double-date with his BFF and patience really wasn't his virtue. Why wait on something like that? For some reason, though, when he suggested it to both Puck and Quinn, neither of them protested. It might have been because he worded it in a way like he was going to surprise Kurt and that both their BFFs should get along, right? Maybe they didn't actually realise he was setting them up on a date? That didn't matter. Blaine could still work with this.

But Kurt had been the one to very reluctant agree. Blaine told him he wanted to take him out for another date, but that it was going to be 'a surprise'. Kurt didn't seem into the notion, and he didn't seem a fan of surprises, but Blaine reassured him with would be fun and he would love it. Though, maybe he missed that mark because now they were all seated at the quaint little table for four in the restaurant waiting for their huge main course to arrive, Kurt was sitting back in his seat and eyeing Puck and Quinn across the table, cool blue eyes sliding back and forth between them before they locked back on Blaine's face wordlessly.

Blaine just grinned and took Kurt's hand on the table, giving it a squeeze. "I love pizza! Do you love pizza? There is nothing better than it, I swear. It smells amazing." Okay, so maybe he was somewhat oblivious to the discomfort Kurt was feeling right now. It was a double-date with their best friends! That just equalled fun in Blaine's mind, and it would be even moreso when they went bowling afterwards. Who didn't like bowling?

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The shock, the hesitation... Kurt's mind immediately absorbed it and mashed it up to spit it out the other side of his brain as disgust, regret, second-thoughts. As quickly as these few moments were passing, it was enough for Kurt to think Blaine was absolutely horrified by the pieces of the puzzle he was putting into place and Kurt felt like he was standing in the edge of a cliff and about to be shoved off. Shit, he had come to care deeply about Blaine, and maybe even more. He had wanted to tell him so many times, and so many times it had been on the tip of his tongue to reveal the whole thing so he didn't have the burden of carrying it around with him. Quinn, Mercedes, Holly... they had all practically begged him to tell Blaine that he was sick, and Kurt knew he was sick. That was the hard part.

But he didn't want Blaine thinking he was a mental case. He didn't want Blaine to realise what a terrible burden he had taken on with all this, and that everything he believed Kurt to be was just a farce. He was really an ugly, fat, boring, waste of space, and it was only a matter of time before Blaine discovered that. And now was that time. Then to top all of that off, he was absolutely mortified at not just nearly being caught in the act, but Blaine discovering the laxatives. Blaine was far from stupid, Kurt had come to learn that. He might seem innocent about some things and wore his heart on his sleeve, but he wasn't stupid and now that he just a few small signs to work with, he was connecting all the dots very rapidly.

Kurt snatched his jacket roughly out of Blaine's grip and pulled it on, wrapping it tightly around himself like a shield. "What do you want me to say?" he sneered. "It's not my fault you were too stupid to realise how fucked in the head I am. I warned you. I warned you over and over again, but you just wouldn't let up! Well, I don't want this! I don't want you in my face or my business! I know what you really think about me anyway! Everyone thinks it! I tried to make this work, but it's not! You're too intense for me and you're not my type. I don't need you! I don't need anyone! It's over! I never even wanted you to start with, I just agreed to get you the hell out of my face!" So, apparently the best way he felt to deal with his boyfriend finding out his deepest secret was to completely kick him in the nuts. But that didn't matter, because Blaine would be way better without him anyway. As much as it killed like all fuck to lose Blaine just when he was feeling like he was maybe falling in love with him, this had to be done for Blaine's sake.

Edited 2012-03-26 15:52 (UTC)

"I just... I can't wrap my mind around it. I don't think he's crazy. Trust me, I've seen a lot of people struggle with illnesses in my job... Not that one specifically, but I've seen people with major depression who hurt themselves, or people who hear voices claiming to be God telling them to do really horrible shit. I've seen all that... But nothing like this. It's horrible. Kurt's awesome, and I'm not much of a judge of male hotness, but my BFF seems to think Kurt is the very epitome of it." He sighed softly, seconds seeming to pass like hours as they waited.

"It's shit like this that makes me regret the guy I was before... Before Blaine and everything else. You gotta wonder who you set off by treating them like shit... If they ended up in a situation like Kurt's. If they're okay now. It sucks... I guess it's like any illness, sometimes it comes back and rears its head, but it sucks that they can't just leave him alone." With a deep breath he looked at Quinn. It had only been a few minutes, but it felt like forever. What the hell was going on in there?

"Do... Do you seriously think he's gonna dump Blaine?" Puck asked, preparing himself for the worst, and not even sure totally that he knew what the worst was. "It's gonna break his heart... I've never seen him like this before. I don't... How do you help somebody deal with something like that?"

Quinn smiled softly, albeit sadly, as she lowered her gaze with a small nod. "Kurt's beautiful. I mean that literally. He's not some ripped, muscular tanned shiny dude with huge white teeth that chicks drool over in pornos... or gay guys. He's beautiful. There's no denying he effeminate, he always has been. When he's well, he's just got all these gorgeous features that make this package of a person who has this presence about him, but you can never quite put your finger on why. He can't see it, though. At all. What we see is not what he sees when he looks in the mirror. I really though Blaine might be the shining light at the end of the tunnel that could maybe help Kurt fight this, even for good. That he could feel that someone cares for him unconditionally."

"But he has just kept slipping and slipping. Blaine's right there, but he will not, for some unknown reason, reach out to hold onto him. He's keeping him at arm's length, and I don't even know if Blaine realises that. Kurt's making all the right noises, and trying to make it work, but... I don't know..." She toyed with her fork for a moment, falling quiet to try and gather her thoughts.

She met Puck's gaze and swept some loose strands of hair from her face. "I hope Kurt relents and tells Blaine the truth if he gets caught, but Kurt might find it easier to just slam the brakes on the whole relationship thing than cope with letting someone into the bulimic fort he has built around himself. The battles we had to fight to get him to even let us in are notorious. He was at a point he would rather let himself be in an horrific mess before letting us help him. Blaine's going to have to fight like we did, I think. But even then, that's a lot to expect of him, or to hope he will want to do. Just because he adores Kurt and obviously cares about him extensively, doesn't mean he is going to want to deal with fighting through all of Kurt's walls. And I have a feeling Kurt might make that choice for him."

Blaine felt like he had been kicked in the guts. He was working fast to try and wrap his head around this horrible turn of events, but he barely even had time to absorb the fact before Kurt was speaking. No, not speaking. He was spitting the words out angrily and Blaine had sunk back a little against the cubicle just from the onslaught of them all. What the hell was happening here? "I-I don't know what you mean... I-I don't understand..." he stammered, feeling like he wanted to cry. "Are you breaking up with me? Why are you breaking up with me?"

He panicked then. He knew the answer to at least his first question, and it felt like everything was crashing and burning around him. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, and looked at Kurt in horrified disbelief but also with a mixture of confused hurt. He realised he had absolutely no idea how to deal with this, or what to say, or how to react. His breath hitched up in his throat around a lump that had formed there, but he did manage not to burst into immediate tears, even if he did want to. Kurt had been lying to him the whole time to shut him up? That was the crushing blow, and it left Blaine without any urge to fight Kurt's words because why shouldn't he just not believe them? It's exactly what he had been fearing. He was too much of a pain in the ass for Kurt. All he had done was be himself from day one, and whilst he thought he had finally found someone who wanted him unconditionally, someone he absolutely adored and had falling hard for, apparently it had all be a big farce, and that hurt more than he could even say.

It was just a single tear that managed to escape and drip down Blaine's cheek when he blinked to try and stop the sting in his eyes. "I-I guess that's it then. I'd say I'd see you around, but I won't get in your way anymore." He just placed the pill bottle on the vanity beside the sink near Kurt, and turned to get out of the bathroom as quickly as he could. If someone didn't want you in their presence, you weren't going to make a bigger dick of yourself by sticking around.

His head was head was stooped low as he wove through the tables of the restaurant and made it back to theirs where Puck and Quinn were sitting. "I've got to go," he said, choked, as he grabbed up his coat and threw some cash on the table from his wallet to cover the bill. More tears started to fall then and he couldn't even look at them. He just shoved his chair out of his way so he didn't trip and ran out of the restaurant. He got to the end of the block before he stopped and sat down heavily on the steps of a closed clothing boutique to bury his hands in his face and started to sob.

Edited 2012-03-27 01:55 (UTC)

Kurt had never given his heart to anyone in the past to risk having it broken... until now. And if this was what it felt like, he never wanted to do that again. It felt like a physical and crushing pain in his chest, and he slumped against the wall, sinking down onto the floor beside the row of sinks where he drew his knees up and covered his face in his hands when tears came before he had a chance to stop them. It was the right thing to do. It had to be the right thing to do. Blaine was too good a person to need to deal with all his shit, and if hurting him to get him to stop wanting Kurt was the only way to do it, it had to be done.

But Kurt felt sick and devastated as he watched the door swing shut in Blaine's wake. It felt like a piece of him was being torn away, and it was only at that moment that he realised how deeply he had come to feel about Blaine. It had been a subtle transition the more and more time he spent with Blaine, the more and he had come to adore him, and adore those fluttery warm feelings in his stomach whenever they spent time together. He actually thought Blaine was an amazing person, and too good to be true, and most days he hadn't understood how he got so lucky to have a guy like that who actually wanted to spend time with him. He spent a lot of moments just watching Blaine and listening to him quietly. But Blaine didn't know the real Kurt, at least, so Kurt thought, and this was some sort of skewed way of saving him.

That didn't mean it didn't hurt, because it did. It was one of the worst pain Kurt had ever experienced, and now it was setting in, he didn't know how to make it stop. Eating. Eating would help it stop. Ice cream and chocolate. He could go out there and eat all that pizza, and surely it would help ease this horrible pain a little? It wasn't like he had to stay thin. It didn't matter if he got fat anymore. He was always going to be alone anyway. Even now, barely a couple of minutes after Blaine was gone, Kurt missed him, and a crushed sob echoed off the tiled walls of the bathroom. He wanted the pain to stop, and eating was the only way he knew it would.

As they continued their conversation, Puck could feel the love between fag and hag, just from the way Quinn talked about Kurt. But even as he listened to her, Puck was distracted by his worries about Blaine. The two of them met each other's eyes as she explained how hard a fight it was going to be to get Kurt to let Blaine in, and part of Puck wanted to suggest that Blaine just pull the plug now and cut his losses. But he knew better, and in the end, if he could find a way in, Puck knew that Kurt was what Blaine truly wanted. And even though it would hurt like hell to watch Blaine struggle through it, if Kurt gave him the chance, Puck believed that Blaine and Kurt could be really happy together.

Or at least he did before his best friend was coming back to the table and looking like hell. It was a stunned moment when Blaine paid the bill and dashed out the door. With a groan of concern, Puck pushed up from the table with an apologetic look at Quinn before he headed out the door after his friend. Blaine had gotten a hell of a head start in the time it had taken Puck's brain to catch up with what had just happened, but Puck managed to keep up with Blaine, and he sat down next to his friend on the sidewalk. "Hey... Hey..." he whispered comfortingly, his hand rubbing Blaine's back as he wrapped his other arm around Blaine's chest.

Blaine was hurt, and as much as Puck knew that Kurt hadn't done it out of spite, but because of an illness that wasn't his fault, part of him was fucking furious. Nobody hurt his boy like this and got away with it. "Hey, B... I'm here, man, okay? I'm so sorry, Blaine."

Blaine had an arm hugged around the iron stair railing next to him, and his head was resting against it. He couldn't speak at first, he was crying so hard and any words would just be drowned in more messy sobs. He really didn't want this to tear him down like this, but never in a million years could he have anticipated this being the outcome of tonight and it all happened before he could catch his breath. It hurt so damn much and crying seemed to be the only thing he could manage to face initially. He didn't want to break up with Kurt, but if it was all just fake anyway, he had been hanging onto something that didn't exist.

"He said... said he's only b-been doing everything to... to get me out of his face!" he sobbed and let go of the railing to hunch over, dropping his coat onto the floor at his feet. He tried to gulp in some air, but it just caused him to hiccup and choke on another sob and more tears spilt over his fingertips when he tried to wipe his eyes with them. "H-He said I wasn't his type and he never wanted...w-wanted to be with me!"

A couple walked past them up the sidewalk and had a good gawk at him, but he didn't even notice or care. "I think he was making himself puke in there," he finally added in confusion. "N-No... I know he was. He was. That's what started it all."

With one arm around his friend, Puck discreetly fired off a text to Sebastian and Jeremy. While Puck would have killed for Blaine in a heartbeat, he wasn't totally confident in his skills as an emotional support system, which sucked, if he were honest, because Blaine was always his emotional support. Still, he kept his arm around Blaine and rubbed gently at his friend's shoulder.

"Blaine..." Puck said, his tone soft and comforting. "Dude, I don't think he really meant it. He's sick, B. He's really fucking sick, and he's talking out of the sickness... At least I'm pretty damn sure that's what it is."

As the couple stopped to look at Blaine, Puck shot them the BFF death glare of doom as if daring them to say a fucking word. He was pissed off and hurt on Blaine's behalf, and he was itching to go for a fight on the other man's behalf at this point. And since he knew he couldn't take it out on Kurt? He'd be glad as hell to bitch out random passersby. "Shit," he said under his breath. "Quinn was right. Goddamn."

Blaine coughed wetly when the heavy crying got to the point where his nose was stuffed and everything was dripping or leaking. He pulled his jacket back up towards him to see if he had any mini packs of Kleenex hidden in there. And then broke down in a fresh wave of sobbing when he realised Kurt would be carrying tissues in his bag without fail. It was like the fucking Mary Poppins bag, he had everything in there, and now it was maybe making sense to Blaine why Kurt was so finicky and OCD about things.

He looked at Puck through tear-filled hazel eyes. "What?" he got out in a small voice when he didn't have any lucky finding tissues in his pockets. "Are you saying you knew about this? That Quinn told you? W-Why didn't you tell me? Or gives me a heads-up? I-I don't understand any of that sort of stuff. I mean, you just sort of think it's something that cheerleaders do in school when they want to look like supermodels. It wasn't just that. What he said, he sounded like he meant it. H-He doesn't want to date me! I've been nothing but a giant pain in his ass from the get-go. I can't believe I was so stupid. Of course no one is going to want to put up with me. I am pain in the ass. I'm a short-assed weirdo who annoys people, and I've annoyed Kurt, and now he wants nothing to do with me!"

The way that Blaine's sobs wracked his body tore Puck apart inside, and he shook his head, hating this whole situation and what it was doing to Blaine. He reached into his own jacket pocket, recovering a pack of Kleenex he hadn't taken out since the last time he'd had a cold, and handing them off to Blaine. With soft comforting sounds, he ruffled Blaine's hair with his hand.

Puck nodded slowly, feeling like an epic dick for not telling Blaine what he knew. "I... I did, but Quinn made me promise not to tell... She said it was Kurt's thing to tell, and she was right. I don't understand it either, B, but Quinn says it's like... Kurt has voices in his head telling him that he's fat... They tell him to eat, and then tell him he has to get rid of it or he'll be fat and disgusting... Q said... She said that it took forever for her and Mercedes and Holly even to begin to break through the walls he put up around himself. It's not personal, man... It's the illness talking. Hey!" he interrupted, catching Blaine's chin in his hand to force him to look him in the eye. "You listen to me. You're fucking incredible. You're the best friend I've ever had, and yeah, you're a short ass, and yeah, sometimes you're a pain in the ass, but that's what makes you the awesome dude I'm best friends with. So don't let Kurt's illness make you think less of yourself, dude. That's not Kurt. That's a fucking voice that's telling him he doesn't deserve you."

Blaine knew it wasn't Puck's fault that he knew the information first, but it just hurt. It felt like he had been blind-sided in the whole thing, and that if he maybe had a clue or a heads-up, he could have prepared better for this and maybe known how to deal with it. It had all blown up in his face, and he had no choice put to just accept the fact that he had lost Kurt... someone that had come to be so special to him and that he wanted to get to know so, so much more. Now that was all gone, and Blaine was pretty sure his heart was breaking for the first time, and he didn't like it at all.

He listened to Puck relay what Quinn had obviously told him. "So, it's... bulimia. I'm so stupid. I never saw anything wrong with him. It never even crossed my mind that there would be. Okay, when he hurt his face when he passed out on the treadmill, maybe that was strange, but it didn't seem it! And he tried to push me away then, but I just thought he was embarrassed. N-Not that any of it matters anymore whether I understand or not, because he doesn't want me! He broke up with me! It doesn't matter why, it matters that he said it and that's what he wants."

The tears just seemed to come thicker and faster at Puck's words, and even though he nodded in confused agreement because he trusted Puck unconditionally, it soon turned into a shake of his head. "But I've still lost him," he said tearfully. "I-I want to help him. Why doesn't he want me to help him? Why can't I be what he wants?"

"Yeah," Puck replied softly. "It's bulimia... He's had it since high school, and he was doing a lot better until some dudes started acting like assholes and making him feel like crap about himself. B, you're not stupid. Kurt's been practicing hiding this from people since he was 15, B. Look... People who are sick sometimes say things they don't mean, and I don't believe... Not even for a minute... that Kurt doesn't want you." This was a fucking mess. How was he supposed to convince Blaine of this? And in the long run, did it even matter whether or not Kurt wanted him if he wasn't going to let him in? "He's scared, B. He's fucking terrified that he's not good enough for you. Or anybody for that matter."

"I don't know, Blaine," he admitted, shaking his head with sadness, This was a fucking mess, and as Puck met his best friend's gaze solemnly, it felt like a knife was being twisted in his chest. "Listen, dude... I know you wanna help him. And maybe that'll end up being a good thing in the end, but... Right now, I think you need to maybe talk to Quinn and Mercedes. Not right this minute, but soon. They're the ones who know this thing... Way better than either of us. They've been dealing with it for years. They might have some... I don't know, some idea as to what we can do."

Blaine felt sick himself. Probably all that pizza mixing with the stress of the shock. He swallowed the sick feeling back as he listened and it felt just that little bit harder to breathing now, like something was crushing his chest. In the distance, he could hear a low rumble of thunder and he only just noticed now that it was overcast. Tears were still dripping down his face and he watched a cab drive past and pull up in front of the restaurant he had just run from and pulled some of the tissues from the little pack to wipe his eyes. "I have to believe him. You didn't see his face. He was so... serious about it. I'm not what he wants or needs, and if I just keep trying, it's going to make him think I'm getting up into his face even more. I didn't even realise I was annoying him so much," he said with a hitched breath.

"And then have him get more pissed off at me for interfering in his business when he doesn't want me to?" He shook his head, which was starting to ache. "No, I can't talk to them. I-I don't want to. The mere thought makes me feel sick. I can't deal with anything to do with Kurt knowing he doesn't want me. It hurts too much. I-I hope they can help him, because clearly I can't. As much as I want to try, he doesn't... I'm not... I just need to move on."

"B, look at me," Puck said, turning to face his friend full on. "Do you trust me? Because I'm telling you the truth. Even Quinn said it... That she was afraid Kurt would push you away because he wants to let you closer, and that scares him... Look, I don't know everything. I really don't, and maybe you're right, and Kurt just doesn't want you, but I don't believe it. Blaine, you're a good person... A great person, actually, and you mean the frickin' world to me. And I know that the kind of person you are is gonna do whatever it takes to help make Kurt happy, even if that means letting him go, but I'm not sure if that's where you need to be right now."

"Okay," he said finally. This wasn't the time or place to keep trying to reason with the heartbroken man in front of him. For now, he just needed to let it go and let Blaine have his time to recover and yes, even grieve, because in his eyes, he'd lost everything, and that was heartbreaking for anyone. "Come on, buddy," he said, standing and dusting off his pants before reaching out to help Blaine up. "Let's go home."

Blaine did look at Puck. At least, he did until a noise back in the direction caught his attention, and just as he was wiping some of the wet from his cheek with the backs of his fingers, he looked back up the street just in time to see Quinn and Kurt step out onto the sidewalk towards the cab that had just driven past and parked outside the pizza place. He froze, unable to look away when he saw Quinn open the door of the cab for Kurt. It was too far away to see much, especially through the tears, but their gazes met very briefly and it just made Blaine want to bawl his eyes out all over again.

But then the moment was gone. Quinn stepped in between their line of sight and Kurt was bundled up into the cab. The door was closed and the car drove off in the opposite direction. Blaine's breath hitched around a broken sob and he just nodded miserably. "Home. I want to go home." He wanted to go home, crawl into bed, and he was pretty sure he never wanted to get out again.

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"I've got nowhere left to hide, it looks like love has finally found me."

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