"Big girls don't cry."

[dontrainonmyparade]

Who: Rachel Berry and Noah Puckerman
What: Facing the music
Where: News Cafe, Miami
When: Follows THIS, almost four weeks after Kurt's admission to the clinic

Rachel had selected a small table for two by the window of the cafe and proceeded to sit there playing with the little cannister of sugar sachets while she waited for Puck to arrived. She arranged them all neatly, then took them back out to make sure they were all facing the right way up. It had nothing to do with wanting the sugar to be neat. In fact, she really had no fucks to give about what the cafe's sugar looked like. She was just nervous and uncertain about this whole thing. She had spent the last eight weeks alone, the latter four of which had been in Lima with her fathers. She'd had to do a lot of soul searching and even now, she wasn't sure she had a soul after the horrible things she had said. She never meant to hurt anyone.

What had her life become? Seriously? How had it all gone so terribly wrong? How did she keep managing to fuck it all up, no matter what she did? She couldn't keep going on like this. She really didn't like herself anymore but she had no idea how to fix anything. She had reached out to Puck when she had been too ashamed to try with Blaine again. Blaine wasn't answering any of her texts or emails anymore. She had lost one of the best friends she ever had.

She was so lost in her own thoughts that she startled and jumped when Puck sat down at the table with her. The sugar packets were quickly shoved (messily) back into the cannister and she wrung her fingers in front of her as he looked at him. "I don't know how to stop screwing everything good that happens to me up. I..." There was a pause and she swallowed heavily, eyes dropping down to her tightly coiled fingers. "I attacked Kurt because I was scared he would take Blaine away from me," she finally confessed in a choked voice.

Comments

[alloriginalgradeabadass]

There was a huge part of Puck that was struggling with guilt and blaming himself. Quinn had more or less told him there would be, and she couldn't have been more right. It made Puck almost physically ill to think of how fucked up his role in this whole thing was, treating Kurt like something worthless and mistreating him. To have the person that he'd spent a huge amount of his high school career torturing, suddenly be the person that his best friend was falling hard and fast in love with, and to see him hurting like this? Puck was pretty damn sure it was the most heartbreaking and sickening feeling in the world. "We were so goddamn full of ourselves back then. Most everybody was in some way or another. And we all went around fucking with each other's feelings. Whether we were cheating on people or throwing kids in dumpsters, we were all a bunch of fucking dicks. But no, babe... He doesn't have it all together. He doesn't have it together at all. It's a fucking mess how hard he's having to fight just to fucking eat right now."

"Okay, I guess that's fair to question," Puck replied, mulling that over for a moment. "But I think they decided in the beginning that they weren't going to be that couple. They have taken each other for better or worse without even getting married, Rachel. Things are tough, but they're holding onto each other. The dinner thing that night was a disaster... But even if we'd all been in good shape friendship wise, I think the point of that dinner was to try to set me up with Quinn. That... Is a whole different story. But Kurt and Blaine broke up that night when Blaine caught Kurt trying to purge. It was a fucking mess. The fact is... They don't want drama or bad shit happening between any of us. They just want their friends and each other to help them through."

[dontrainonmyparade]

Rachel lowered her eyes in shame. He was right. Beyond right. They really all had been awful people to each other a lot of the time. "But we were just trying to keep our heads above board and find a place to belong. I'm justifying how we were, but if we just put all that aside and be friends, maybe none of this awful stuff would have gotten as bad as it did. I wouldn't have lost Finn as a friend, Kurt might have actually even wanted to be my friend, Quinn would have been looking at me like I was something she stepped in, people might have given you more chances than just assuming you were nothing but an irresponsible slut. How did we screw ourselves over so bad? I feel like I have nothing to show for any of that horrible stuff. None of it was worth anything... and now Kurt's sick because of it. I wish I knew how to make it better."

She nodded as she listened, but she was toying anxiously with the pendant around her neck. She couldn't help but wonder what things would have been like if Kurt and Blaine met each other back in school. She knew the early days of their relationship here, where it was all still new and shiny, they had pretty much fallen for each other from the moment they met. She knew that much. Probably not love right off the bat, because love at first sight was a fallacy. No one could truly love someone just on looks. But it was like there was a natural connect there to see how Blaine had responded to it. He had been on Cloud 9. Now it had all gone horribly wrong, but not from anything Blaine did, and it wasn't Kurt to blame either because he was ill. "I... I don't even know how I would begin to talk to Kurt. I'll talk to Blaine, but Kurt is a whole other factor. And the way you talk, it sounds like he's really sick and maybe I should just keep my distance anyway. Is there anything, really, that I could do to help? I don't know anything about eating disorders. I tried one in sophomore year, but I failed at even that. I can't imagine even a little what it would be like to keep doing that for years on end. How is he even still functioning? If I even had the slightest clue about any of it, I would never have said those horrible things to him. And I... I... the day it happened, Kurt ended up in the ER. Was that my fault? Did I push him to make himself sicker?"

[alloriginalgradeabadass]

"We were," he agreed. "But we went about it all the wrong way... Do you know how many scenes I've had to go to where kids had fucking offed themselves because of people like the person I used to be? Kids who got made fun of so much, they decided it wasn't worth being alive anymore? Not just gay kids, but fat kids, skinny kids, just... this... this way that kids have of hurting each other to make themselves look better. We were just like that, Rach. We didn't just hurt the people we hated, or the ones we were threatened by... We hurt our own friends... The people we loved. Those kids could just as easily have been Kurt, or even Finn, after what we did to them back then. I know we can't go back and undo the past, Rachel, but fuck... We've gotta make the future better, for Kurt and Blaine's sake."

Puck could all but see the wheels turning in Rachel's mind, and he knew her well enough to recognize the "what ifs" face. She got that look a lot these days, usually in relation to what if she'd made it on Broadway and hadn't ended up where she was now. But he knew without even asking that she was wondering a lot of what if's about Kurt, and that was hard to even imagine now that he knew the heartbreaking truth. "Maybe it's going to take a while... And you may be right. Maybe for now you just need to talk to Blaine, and assure him that, as soon as Kurt feels up to seeing you, you'd really like to apologize to him, too. In person. I don't think there's much you can do right now, babe... Just... Be there for Blaine. Let him know that... That you're here for him and for Kurt, too, if needed. There's only a lot of waiting. You can check in on Blainers from time to time. I don't know, Rach. I really don't. I don't think any of this is completely any one person's fault. I think it's a lot of years of the same hurtful bullshit going on, and in the end, it just became too much for him. It flares up... He has good days and bad days. But no, I don't think it's totally your fault. Besides... Laying blame doesn't help anybody. All we can do now is try to do the right things and help them out as we can, if we can. Sometimes we can't even do that. Just... wait to see what comes next. But either way... Do try to talk to B... And Kurt, too, when the time is right."

[dontrainonmyparade]

Rachel just went quiet at this, finding herself sitting there and indulging in a moment of her own hurt in this own thing, even if she knew she wasn't entitled to it. She was awful and it had consequences, but she was still human. That, after all, had always been her biggest flaw... she was just human. "I just... feel left out of everything with you guys lately. You're hooking up with Quinn, Blaine's hooked up with Kurt. You guys seem to do everything together, and I'm still painfully single. I live alone, I don't even have a cat. You're always too busy to do anything. Even with just this, it was like you were considering five hundred other things you might need to do before you could agree to meet me, and that hurt. It's not like I am ever going to get someone to date me, because I just seem to piss everyone off all the time. No one wants me, and even my best friends have no room for me anymore."

"I know I fucked up, but why am I always the one who has to pay for that more than anyone else? Everyone else seems to have more forgiveness for anyone but me, because, oh no, when Rachel fucks up, it must just mean she a giant evil bitch or cares about no one but herself and wants to hurt everyone for her own gain." Her voice broke at this and she started to cry again and just shook her head. "You know what? I'm just going to go. I said my piece. You guys can just get back to me when Kurt is better and you don't have a billion other things on your plate beyond making me jump through a billion hoops to prove myself worthy of just being your friend anymore. After all, I'm not allowed to get hurt or upset, am I? That just means I'm being a selfish bitch. That's all I'm ever capable of, isn't it?" She tried to grab her handbag to leave, but it got caught on the leg of her chair and she just dropped back into it with a miserable and lonely sob. "When am I going to be someone's something special?"

[alloriginalgradeabadass]

The fact was, as much as Puck wanted to tell Rachel to quit being selfish and focusing on herself, he couldn't help feeling for her. No matter what happened, Rachel would always be a part of his life, and like it or hate it, he would always care for her on some level. And it sucked when he thought about it. Rachel really was being left out of everything, even though a lot of that was her fault. It didn't mean that she didn't still hurt because of it. His dark eyes moved over her face, his head tilted a bit as he watched her. "Rachel... It's not like we wanted you out of everything. It was just... Well, it seemed like you didn't really want to be a part of it if Kurt was involved. And... Fuck, I know I didn't have the nicest response when you asked to meet up with me, but you have to understand that Blaine was seriously hurt by what happened. I don't usually go into things to take sides, but there was a pretty clear right and wrong this time." Still, he couldn't help the sympathetic look on his face. He knew she wasn't an evil person, and that she'd never wanted to hurt Blaine, and deep down, she didn't even really go into it to hurt Kurt so much as to get back what she thought was rightfully hers in Blaine.

And then she was angry and hurt, and tears were streaking her face as she asked for the explanation of something that Puck wasn't sure he could give her. It hit him hard and fast that she really was right. People held her to a higher standard for some reason that not even Puck was sure he could name, though it was something he was just as guilty of as anyone else. For a moment, Puck said nothing, watching as she tried to leave, only to slump back into her chair, sobbing with the heartache that seemed to have so much more to it than just the recent upset with Blaine and Kurt. And without even thinking about it, Puck moved to the other side of the table, taking his chair with him, to sit next to her and wrap her in a tight embrace. He brought his hand up to gently stroke her hair at the back of her head, and simply let her cry. "Shhhh..." he whispered comfortingly. "I'm sorry, Rachel. I'm really sorry. You're right, babe. You're right that people expect more of you, but it's because we know you're capable of so much more than you think you are." It was true. Somewhere along the way, Rachel had lost so much of the almost annoying level of self-confidence she'd once had, and with it, she'd lost so much of what made her Rachel. "I'm sorry, Rach," he repeated, holding her gently against his shoulder.

[dontrainonmyparade]

This was stupid. It was so goddamn stupid. She even knew it was ridiculously stupid as soon as she let herself lose it like this, but once the floodgates were open, it felt damn nearly impossible to quickly slam them shut again. She usually saved these sorts of break-downs and embarrassing self-pity for the privacy of her own home, but lately everything was just getting harder to hold inside. She had no one to talk to, no one to confide in, no one to comfort her and tell her life was going to be okay when it felt like it was never going to get better for her. Why couldn't she just move on from all of this and cut her losses? Why couldn't she be stronger and deal with her feelings from behind masks where it looked like nothing in the world even touched her? And for some reason, Puck's word when he did speak just hurt even more. "You never even asked if I wanted to be! I wasn't invited into anything! It was always you and Blaine. It's always you and Blaine! Now it's you and Blaine and Kurt. And Quinn. There's no room left for me. And there you go again! Finger pointing me for being horrible and blaming everything on me. Oh you're wrong Rachel. You're always wrong. It's always you the one to fuck up, just admit it and everything will be perfect again. Let me go, I'm leaving!"

She didn't want to make a scene, but she knew people had to be staring. Hell, if this was anyone else, she would be staring at her too. "Just... don't worry. I'll fix things with Blaine so no one needs to feel awkward anymore. But then, I'm just going to leave you guys to it. I can't fight anymore to try and be an important part of someone's life only to keep getting shoved aside and told I'm an awful person. I can't. I'm going somewhere where I don't even need to think about mattering. Blaine can have Kurt, and you can have Quinn, and you can keep being each other's best friends. I won't be in your way anymore," she said tearfully and finally stood up, her bag freeing from it's chair prison so she could run out of the cafe without looking back. She needed to get out of Miami. She couldn't handle being there and feeling like dog crap on the bottom of everyone's shoes anymore.