"Big girls don't cry."

[dontrainonmyparade]

Who: Rachel Berry and Noah Puckerman
What: Facing the music
Where: News Cafe, Miami
When: Follows THIS, almost four weeks after Kurt's admission to the clinic

Rachel had selected a small table for two by the window of the cafe and proceeded to sit there playing with the little cannister of sugar sachets while she waited for Puck to arrived. She arranged them all neatly, then took them back out to make sure they were all facing the right way up. It had nothing to do with wanting the sugar to be neat. In fact, she really had no fucks to give about what the cafe's sugar looked like. She was just nervous and uncertain about this whole thing. She had spent the last eight weeks alone, the latter four of which had been in Lima with her fathers. She'd had to do a lot of soul searching and even now, she wasn't sure she had a soul after the horrible things she had said. She never meant to hurt anyone.

What had her life become? Seriously? How had it all gone so terribly wrong? How did she keep managing to fuck it all up, no matter what she did? She couldn't keep going on like this. She really didn't like herself anymore but she had no idea how to fix anything. She had reached out to Puck when she had been too ashamed to try with Blaine again. Blaine wasn't answering any of her texts or emails anymore. She had lost one of the best friends she ever had.

She was so lost in her own thoughts that she startled and jumped when Puck sat down at the table with her. The sugar packets were quickly shoved (messily) back into the cannister and she wrung her fingers in front of her as he looked at him. "I don't know how to stop screwing everything good that happens to me up. I..." There was a pause and she swallowed heavily, eyes dropping down to her tightly coiled fingers. "I attacked Kurt because I was scared he would take Blaine away from me," she finally confessed in a choked voice.

Comments

[alloriginalgradeabadass]

The fact was, as much as Puck wanted to tell Rachel to quit being selfish and focusing on herself, he couldn't help feeling for her. No matter what happened, Rachel would always be a part of his life, and like it or hate it, he would always care for her on some level. And it sucked when he thought about it. Rachel really was being left out of everything, even though a lot of that was her fault. It didn't mean that she didn't still hurt because of it. His dark eyes moved over her face, his head tilted a bit as he watched her. "Rachel... It's not like we wanted you out of everything. It was just... Well, it seemed like you didn't really want to be a part of it if Kurt was involved. And... Fuck, I know I didn't have the nicest response when you asked to meet up with me, but you have to understand that Blaine was seriously hurt by what happened. I don't usually go into things to take sides, but there was a pretty clear right and wrong this time." Still, he couldn't help the sympathetic look on his face. He knew she wasn't an evil person, and that she'd never wanted to hurt Blaine, and deep down, she didn't even really go into it to hurt Kurt so much as to get back what she thought was rightfully hers in Blaine.

And then she was angry and hurt, and tears were streaking her face as she asked for the explanation of something that Puck wasn't sure he could give her. It hit him hard and fast that she really was right. People held her to a higher standard for some reason that not even Puck was sure he could name, though it was something he was just as guilty of as anyone else. For a moment, Puck said nothing, watching as she tried to leave, only to slump back into her chair, sobbing with the heartache that seemed to have so much more to it than just the recent upset with Blaine and Kurt. And without even thinking about it, Puck moved to the other side of the table, taking his chair with him, to sit next to her and wrap her in a tight embrace. He brought his hand up to gently stroke her hair at the back of her head, and simply let her cry. "Shhhh..." he whispered comfortingly. "I'm sorry, Rachel. I'm really sorry. You're right, babe. You're right that people expect more of you, but it's because we know you're capable of so much more than you think you are." It was true. Somewhere along the way, Rachel had lost so much of the almost annoying level of self-confidence she'd once had, and with it, she'd lost so much of what made her Rachel. "I'm sorry, Rach," he repeated, holding her gently against his shoulder.

[dontrainonmyparade]

This was stupid. It was so goddamn stupid. She even knew it was ridiculously stupid as soon as she let herself lose it like this, but once the floodgates were open, it felt damn nearly impossible to quickly slam them shut again. She usually saved these sorts of break-downs and embarrassing self-pity for the privacy of her own home, but lately everything was just getting harder to hold inside. She had no one to talk to, no one to confide in, no one to comfort her and tell her life was going to be okay when it felt like it was never going to get better for her. Why couldn't she just move on from all of this and cut her losses? Why couldn't she be stronger and deal with her feelings from behind masks where it looked like nothing in the world even touched her? And for some reason, Puck's word when he did speak just hurt even more. "You never even asked if I wanted to be! I wasn't invited into anything! It was always you and Blaine. It's always you and Blaine! Now it's you and Blaine and Kurt. And Quinn. There's no room left for me. And there you go again! Finger pointing me for being horrible and blaming everything on me. Oh you're wrong Rachel. You're always wrong. It's always you the one to fuck up, just admit it and everything will be perfect again. Let me go, I'm leaving!"

She didn't want to make a scene, but she knew people had to be staring. Hell, if this was anyone else, she would be staring at her too. "Just... don't worry. I'll fix things with Blaine so no one needs to feel awkward anymore. But then, I'm just going to leave you guys to it. I can't fight anymore to try and be an important part of someone's life only to keep getting shoved aside and told I'm an awful person. I can't. I'm going somewhere where I don't even need to think about mattering. Blaine can have Kurt, and you can have Quinn, and you can keep being each other's best friends. I won't be in your way anymore," she said tearfully and finally stood up, her bag freeing from it's chair prison so she could run out of the cafe without looking back. She needed to get out of Miami. She couldn't handle being there and feeling like dog crap on the bottom of everyone's shoes anymore.