"Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead."

[rockstarwarbler.livejournal.com]

Who: rockstarwarbler and justbeingaqueen
What: I'll be there
Where: Palm Bay, Florida (about 3 hours from Jacksonville)
When: Two days after THIS
Rating: PG

It was a nice little rest stop they found on the way, and after turning down bathrooms at three gas stations because they were too 'gross looking', Kurt finally relented on the bathroom here when Blaine suggested it as they past the signs warning of the turn-off coming up. It had just passed lunch time and they were about half way into the drive up to the clinic in Jacksonville. Whilst Kurt was in the bathroom, Blaine got out to stretch his legs and was now carrying a picnic basket over to one of the picnic tables just set back from the drive a little. He lifted it up on the table and then dug the blanket out of the side of it so he could spread it over the table in lieu of a tablecloth.

He glanced up when Kurt was heading back from the bathroom a short while later, eyes trained down to the screen of his cell phone. But when he looked up and sat Blaine pulling things out of the picnic basket, there was a very distinct baulk. But Blaine, after setting a couple of plastic containers onto the table, held both hands up in surrender. "I know, I know. I promise, this isn't some sort of trick. It's just lunch because I'm starving and I brought this so we wouldn't need to stop at any fastfood places. There's enough here for both of us, but you don't have to have anything if you don't want it. But just sit with me while I have something?"

Kurt had abruptly paused in his return back to Blaine's car when he saw the little picnic being set up. But when Blaine's hurried explanation came, he just slipped his phone back into his pocket and came over to the table to slip onto the bench seat beside Blaine. He watched for a few more moments while Blaine pulled the rest of the lunch out in neat little containers and then handed Kurt a cold bottle of water. "You thought I would freak out if you mentioned you had lunch packed," he guessed in a subdued murmur. "Blaine, just because I'm sick doesn't mean my head forces those same tendencies onto everyone around me. I'm not going to deny you having lunch. Just... I'm sorry you are feeling like you need to walk on eggshells with me," he apologised, taking one of Blaine's hands in between his.

"I just don't want to make it any worse for you than it already is, Kurt. That's the last thing I want. I already feel like I have aggravated the whole thing for you, and I want you to know that making it any more difficult for you is what I'm trying to avoid," Blaine explained, looking at Kurt helplessly. He turned on the bench then, straddling one leg over either side of it so he was facing Kurt directly and linked their fingers together. "I don't know much about bulimia. I'm not going to patronise you by professing I do. I just know what you have told me, and I do want to know more so I can understand. I know that you told me you haven't eaten much these past few days, and that when you tried, you couldn't fight the urge to... get rid of it. Witnessing that was hard for me, but it was very sobering that you're fighting a really hard battle here, and I want to help you with it. I just know I can't really do that until you get professional help. so, in the meantime, I just want to make sure you're comfortable, which I think means catering to the condition before you can get better, right?"

There was a small nod of confirmation as Kurt listened to Blaine closely. His eyes were a little teary and he swept his tongue over his lips quickly to wet them. "I-I wanted to talk to you about some of this on the way, it was just taking a lot to pluck up the... the courage," he explained shakily and gave Blaine a small smile, remembering the text message Blaine sent him earlier. "I'm not going to get better until I get help. I'm not saying that every meal I put into my mouth I will throw up, but there are... routines and processes I can use to control what I eat, and that somehow makes it okay in my head. The professional tactics will be to avert those routines in my head. They'll, um... um, try eating regimes that knock my mind off course into something more normal. If I don't eat, they'll peg feed me. The last time I got this bad, they were feeding me through my nose because I wouldn't eat and I had all sorts of... stuff going on. Meanwhile, they'll target me with a lot of different sorts of therapy and possibly medication. It's... not easy. I hate this place. It's the only way to help me, though. I just can't promise that if you come to visit me like you plan that I am going to be anything like the person I am now, or in any condition to enjoy our time together. I should have warned you before, and I'm sorry."

Without even hesitating, Blaine put his hand down over Kurt's and softly patted the backs of his fingers. "No apologies. They're banned from here on in. I want to hear these things, okay? Anything you want to tell me, if you're okay with it, I want to know. So, right now, you can cope with eating your own way?" He took the last couple of containers of things he had packed from the basket and pushed them in Kurt's direction. "How about you just take what you want, however you want it, and then when you have, I'll have the rest? It's nothing fancy. Just some sandwiches, some salad, some fruit and yoghurt. I didn't pack any candy or junk food. I... um, well, I Googled it a little. The medical sites said it's easier if you don't have the temptations there. Oh, and I brought a little flask of real tea. You said you liked Earl Grey, right?" He took out the flask that had blue glittery stars all over it and held it up with a smile.

Kurt's eyes never left Blaine's face as he spoke. Blaine's voice was so soft and gentle and his face probably more expressive than he realised. His hand felt warm and protective over Kurt's before he had released it to get the flask, and Kurt didn't miss a single word Blaine spoke as he tried to wade his way into these murky, scary waters he knew nothing about. But he still wasn't running away. Kurt had hurt the fuck out of him, crushed him, devastated him, yet he was giving him a second chance and seemed to find it so easy to want to help. Kurt was beyond blown away and for a moment, he looked away from Blaine to the neat little food containers. "Tea sounds lovely," he murmured and then after a brief flip of apprehension, he started to snap the lids off the containers to to have a look.

Blaine took some plastic mugs from his pinic hamper, something he had bought on a whim on a shopping trip he dragged Puck on one day, determined to go on more picnics as a New Year's resolution. It never really happened, because going on pinics with you very straight cop BFF wasn't really that conventional. There was one trip to a paintball place where Blaine insisted on packing a picnic to, but they had so mch fun, they forgot about it and all the food spoiled in the hot car. But now Blaine had hopes that he might be able to utilise his beloved pinic hamper more with Kurt. At least, that had before he realised the guy he had fallen head-over-heels for had an eating disorder and picnics probably weren't favoured. This time, though, it really had been so he could eat on the trip without needing to toture Kurt's symptoms with going to a fast food place. This food would be better for the drive anyway. It was light and healthy, and it looked like Kurt might even take something. Tea was a good start, though. "Can I... um... can I ask you something? You don't have to answer. But, is it painful? The making yourself sick all the time, the... laxatives, the overeating? And the exercise. When you passed out on the treadmill, it was because you hadn't been eating, right?" he asked while he poured the tea for them both. "I get sick with my migraines. Which you saw. I hate it. I hate when they make me sick. I just... I want to understand what you've been going through, that's all."

The cups, the mugs, the plates, the cutlery, the napkins, the blankets all matched the beautiful hamper. It was just gorgeous and for Blaine to have gone to this trouble for Kurt's welfare really was driving so much home for him. As impossible as it felt to open up to Blaine about his illness, he knew he had to and Blaine was offering all the openings for Kurt to take. Kurt knew that to make this work, he had to start on the scary road of give and take. While Blaine saw to their tea, Kurt slowly selected a vanilla yoghurt, a little triangle quarter of a chicken sandwich (it not lost on him that Blaine had cut all the sandwiches into triangles), a tiny handful of popcorn and then a half a hard-boiled egg. They were lined up on his plate in front of him, but he set about putting them neatly into their own corners of the plate so they weren't touching, and then delicately scooped the yolk of the egg out to discard it into a napkin. Then the sandwich and the egg were cut up into equal bite-sized portions that matched the popcorn, and this was before he made any move to eat any of it.

"It's... like a necessary evil for me," Kurt began quietly and glanced up at Blaine, fork hovering over the cut up egg. "The painful full feeling after a binge is what triggers the ease of getting rid of it. I just, um, tell myself that I'll get rid of it, and it will be gone, and then I'll have the control again. It's uncomfortable and unpleasant, but once it's over, it's sort of euphoric that I beat it. I... I know this probably sounds mental to hear. I guess I am sort of mental. I know what I'm doing, though. I just can't stop it when it gets worse like this. I've had it come and go in waves since I was a teenager. Probably what som would call a vicious cycle. Sometimes, I'm normal. I can control the voices and I get better with help, and I can go for awhile like that. Triggers. Things... can set me back. I don't always know until it's too late. Holly, Quinn, 'Cedes... they see it, I just fight them on it. I don't mean to be a pain in the ass. I-I know I'm sick. I need help. And no, it wasn't because I wasn't eating. It was right after a binge. Exercise will burn off the calories I've shoved into me. I was dehydrated because I was... I guess I was overdoing it. No. I was overdoing it. Like a crazy person," he conceded, and looked away in embarrassment as he put a tiny piece of the egg into his mouth and chewed it slowly.

Blaine couldn't help but just sit and watch Kurt with the food selections. It was unlike anything he had quite seen before. Everything was regimented, perfect, controlled, before Kurt would even contemplate putting it in his mouth. Then when he did, he took a large mouthful of water after each little bit. But there was also something else Blaine noticed that just blew his mind because it was becoming more and more clear how sick Kurt was now he was seeing it with the new information. He knew that as much as he wanted to help Kurt, to be with him, to love him, this whole thing was going to continuously break his heart and he was going to need his friends and family extensively to maintain the strength to be strong for Kurt. "Everything you just picked... it's all white," he pointed out. "Do you only eat white food? You don't like it touching either. Kurt, I don't think you're crazy. It just seems like this had a huge hold on you, and I'm proud of you for deciding to get help. I never suspected anything, and I realise now that tells me just how sick you are. I'm not angry at you for not telling me. I know why you didn't. Kurt, I just want to take care of you. I want that so much. But you have to let me in, which is probably going to be one of the biggest battles for you." He wanted to kiss him so much, he really did. But he didn't want to deter Kurt from his food, so he just gave his back a soothing rub through the layers of his clothing and then picked up one of the sandwiches for himself.

Kurt looked down at his plate and then gave a small shake of his head. "No... I just... it has to match. Not... just..." He started to falter, but when he saw Blaine start on his own lunch and keep talking after drawing attention to Kurt's plate, it was easier for Kurt to maintain his composure. He ate a little bit more, but then there was a sigh and he set his fork back down onto the plate. "Blaine, why me? Don't... I'm not looking for compliments, or for you to tell me what it is you see in me. I just don't understand why you would choose to take any of this on. It's going to suck. I'm not going to be a very nice person, I... I'm going to go to hell and back. And I'm scared," he confessed in a whisper when he lost the resolve in his voice. "I'm scared because I know what's coming. And I'm scared because no one has ever even come close to loving me romantically before, and I just don't understand why you do. You can have anything, anyone, any guy who has no issues at all. Is this really what you want?"

Blaine put his half-eaten sandwich down, giving his hands a quick brush to rid them of crumbs and then turned to Kurt. There was a nod and he cupped his hand around Kurt's shoulder. "Yes," he told him unwaveringly. "You are what I want. And you know why? Because even though I think you're beautiful, and you give me warm butterflies deep down in my belly, it was never your appearance that intrigued me and hooked me. It was your eyes and this placid and tender undertone to your personality, the way you spoke. I knew that first day I met you that there was something behind that, something down-trodden and tired. I just wanted to give you a hug, and I didn't know why. Not that I would have, you probably would have tasered me and had me arrested," he said with a laugh, "but I did. And that's a feeling that has never left me. It just got stronger and stronger, and morphed into more. I don't want anything, I don't want anyone. If I did, I would have been out searching for it. I always wanted it to find me. And it did. You did. I want you, Kurt. I want to hold you like you need and I want you to know that even when I have to let go, I'll always come back when you need me to. Starting with right now, where I'm going to sit here and each my lunch while you tackle yours. We're going to have a cup of tea together, and then I'm taking you to the clinic to get help. But Kurt, sweetheart? This time, as scary as it is, I'm going to be there for you. I cross my heart..." And then with a fond little smile, he started to softly sing Ain't No Mountain High Enough to Kurt.

And all Kurt could do then was just laugh. It was soft and fell from his lips before he could stop it, but he dropped his head when an affectionate smile crept across his lips. "You're a dork. I never in my wildest thought I would end up with a dork," he joked and lifted his head slowly again to gaze at Blaine from beneath his lashes. Then he just breached the gap between them and his arms wrapped around Blaine in a hug where he once again buried his face into Blaine's shoulder. He smelt so sweet, the cologne fragance having come to be one of Kurt's favourites, and that was saying something because he was a huge fan of colognes. He remembered it from the day Blaine helped him in the rain, the first day they met. It was probably a scent he would never forget. He clung to Blaine, letting his hand move over the plains of his back. "You remind me what happy feels like..." he whispered against Blaine's ear.

"And you remind me what hope feels like," Blaine murmured back as he held Kurt close in the embrace. He couldn't fight it anymore then. He pulled back just a little so he could brush his lips over Kurt's, seeking permission to kiss him that wasn't denied. It started slowly, gently, and Kurt's tongue invited the kiss to deepend with a tender sweep to the corner of Blaine's lips and then they were lost in it. Blaine's eyes slipped closed, and he felt a warmth prickle over his skin as they sat there on the bench in the middle of nowhere putting everything they desperately needed into that kiss. He knew that there was a distinct chance Kurt was going to slip away from him in the battle of his illness and sooner rather than later. He was scared too, and the lump in his throat was making him feel like he wanted to cry. He knew it was because he didn't want to have to leave Kurt at that place alone. He wanted to camp out on the floor of his room just in case... but he couldn't. The kiss ended and Blaine held Kurt's face between his hands. "I love you. Like I have never known how to love anyone."

Kurt nodded and sucked in a shaky breath now the nerves and fear were back with a vengeance. That was when he realised he didn't want to leave Blaine, either. But if this as going to work, he had to be better. He had to do it. It just gave him a jolt of hope to hear Blaine tell him he loved him again, for the second time. He meant it, and he was going to be at the other end of the gauntlet of hell waiting for him when he got out. "I-I can do this," he resolved, blinking back the tears that wanted to fall. But he nodded again, more fimrly this time. "I can do it."

Blaine smiled at Kurt, stroking his cheek with his thumb. "Courage, beautiful. You've got it. And if you haven't?" He kissed his own fingers and then dropped his hand down to place it over Kurt's chest. "I'll take care of it for you until you really need it. And any time you need it, you just call me, and I'll come running. Every single time."



RP LOG, SCENE COMPLETE