Rachel looked up at Kurt with a frown when he started to bitch her out, but then she realised exactly what he was saying. He wasn't bitching her out, not really, he was going to bat for Blaine and that actually made her feel warm and fuzzy inside. At least, before there was a slight hint of jealousy that came with it that she never really had anyone stick up for her like that. This whole thing was hard for her because the loneliness was eating her up inside. She didn't want to be jealous of Blaine, but she desperately wished she could find a relationship like he had. It had to be nice to have someone care about you that much that they would stick up for you no matter what. "I just... felt like I would be getting in the way of what you guys had when he was mad at me and you didn't really like me. None of my reasoning is sound, okay? I'm jealous of you. There. I said it. I would give anything to have a connection with someone like you do. I've never had that before. I don't want to get in the way of the relationship you have with Blaine by being an annoying pain in the ass. Because seriously, that seems to be about the only talent on my CV lately."
As soon as he was asking her that question, it felt like someone was trickling cold water down her back. She looked at him, wondering how the hell he could know, or even be that close on the right track. "Who wouldn't want their first time to be special? I bet yours was. I knew hardly anything about sex at the time... I... still don't. But I knew it was one of the most intimate things I would ever do, and I-I hoped it would be with someone who cared about me. I hated at the time how it made me feel because I felt like I screwed something up I would only get one chance at in my life, but yes... I guess you can say I did hope at the time he might have changed for me behind closed doors. He didn't. I didn't feel special or important, I felt like another notch on the bedpost he just moved on from when he was done. I don't even know why I hoped that with Puck. He wasn't really capable of making anything but his own dick feel important. I was so young and stupid. I should have waited. Then when I found out I was pregnant, it was like my whole world came crashing down around me, and not even in a romantic drama type of way. I couldn't tell my fathers because I was so terrified. I didn't tell anyone until I was so far along, I had no choice but to tell them. It was too late to do anything then. It's why adoption was the only answer."
She fell quietly, looking down at her hands. "You would think I would be used to this feeling of loneliness by now, right? I never really had anyone. Not until later when things got a little better and I came to Miami with Puck and Blaine. We got close, and they were like brothers to me, I guess. Just... brothers. That's it... Maybe faghag to Blaine, but Puck only ever saw me as some substitute little sister he once fucked. Even that was weird, considering we're basically the same age. I'm glad things didn't stay bad between us after I had to give the baby up, but I just need to let go of my past and move on because no matter how hard I have tried, I still have nothing. I have no one. See my best friends hook up and have less and less time for me, it's just... I think it's time for me to move on."
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As soon as he was asking her that question, it felt like someone was trickling cold water down her back. She looked at him, wondering how the hell he could know, or even be that close on the right track. "Who wouldn't want their first time to be special? I bet yours was. I knew hardly anything about sex at the time... I... still don't. But I knew it was one of the most intimate things I would ever do, and I-I hoped it would be with someone who cared about me. I hated at the time how it made me feel because I felt like I screwed something up I would only get one chance at in my life, but yes... I guess you can say I did hope at the time he might have changed for me behind closed doors. He didn't. I didn't feel special or important, I felt like another notch on the bedpost he just moved on from when he was done. I don't even know why I hoped that with Puck. He wasn't really capable of making anything but his own dick feel important. I was so young and stupid. I should have waited. Then when I found out I was pregnant, it was like my whole world came crashing down around me, and not even in a romantic drama type of way. I couldn't tell my fathers because I was so terrified. I didn't tell anyone until I was so far along, I had no choice but to tell them. It was too late to do anything then. It's why adoption was the only answer."
She fell quietly, looking down at her hands. "You would think I would be used to this feeling of loneliness by now, right? I never really had anyone. Not until later when things got a little better and I came to Miami with Puck and Blaine. We got close, and they were like brothers to me, I guess. Just... brothers. That's it... Maybe faghag to Blaine, but Puck only ever saw me as some substitute little sister he once fucked. Even that was weird, considering we're basically the same age. I'm glad things didn't stay bad between us after I had to give the baby up, but I just need to let go of my past and move on because no matter how hard I have tried, I still have nothing. I have no one. See my best friends hook up and have less and less time for me, it's just... I think it's time for me to move on."